2014

Hola Amigos!

So 2014 is almost finished, and 2015 is almost upon us, time to look back and see how far we came!

I set no resolutions for 2014, no goals, just RUN! I had an idea to hit 1000miles, almost double my 2013 total (530) but i wouldnt kill myself to reach it.

January & February flew in with 100 miles & 90ish miles respectively, including a pb at 25km distance at Ennerdale, taking 20+ minutes off my previous best. 

March set off well, staying on point with about 25/30 miles a week. Hit with a sore throat at the end of week two, which developed into a huge infection & a hospital stay for iv antibiotics & fluids. Obviously at this point March was written off!

April, May & June saw a return to form with just shy of a 100 miles a month each, and got my weight down to an adult all time low! Though my pace remained awful, usual story! 

I don't remember what happened in July, it must have been an injury/strain as the mileage just fell apart! There was a brief respite at the beginning of August, but then...

Mystery illness started! From early August until the start of November i suffered from this illness, which no one could figure out. Constant retching and nausea for 8 weeks just about saw me off. I was tired, sore, sickly, and not running! Countless blood tests, numerous trial & error/ non effective medicines & a few procedures to see inside, again to no avail!

A few weeks of non retching & feeling 'human' and i was allowed to run again, thank #%}~

November had me back above the 50 mile mark, some solid miles on Latrigg and a super awesome ascent on Red Pike with Azja. 

December will see me break the 50mile a month mark again, and over 700 miles for the year with an average of over 150ft per mile, which is nice! 

In other news i came on leaps & bounds with regards my anxiety & panic attacks. Owed entirely to the work of Sally Stubbs with to work tirelessly to unravel & heal 32 years of surgery, fears of everything unravelling, cancer diagnosis & surgery, and a general lifetime of waiting for death. 

Now i look forward to the future, look forward to more miles, look forward to a life with Azja. 

I look forward to living.

And more #CumbrianKrupicka

Red Pike

 On the last day of November, and to herald a month of being back in the running game, myself and Azja headed to the picturesque Buttermere Valley for a run up my favourite mountain, Red Pike. Situated in the North West of the Lake District National Park, Buttermere is a relatively small lake, with an even smaller village which takes its name from the lake too. The lake itself has a beautiful 4 mile trail (bar 1/4 mile of road) running right along the sides, and is a very popular destination for walkers and runners alike. However it is nestled at the foot of a large horseshoe of mountains, on which the number of people seen during a run can usually be counted on one hand!

As I said our destination today was Red Pike, which sits above the North West Corner of the lake. It is by far my favourite mountain. The views from the top are without doubt some of the best in England, and if you continue your run over the adjoining peaks of High Stile, High Crag, Seat and Haystacks you are in for a very special day indeed. Alas we were doing a simple up and down, but it still has plenty to offer!

We started out from the Bridge Hotel as always and joined the path down to the lake, crossing the foot bridge over Sour Milk Gill as it pours into the lake. From here you immediately start climbing a rock staircase, which takes you about 600ft up through the forest to the top of the tree line.

Azja & Milo start the climb!

Almost to the tree line.

Upon reaching the tree line, there is thankfully a 10 metre section of flat trail and a gate to negotiate, which gives you some time to suck in some oxygen after the leg burning start to the run! The trail pretty much stays as a bouldered staircase up through the first mile/1000ft of climbing, and then changes into a boulder strewn path that is still uphill, but feels flat after the staircase! We stopped at the mile to have a breather and a drink. I was happy knowing that at this point every step I had taken was a running step, and though I'd had to pause a few times, I hadn't walked any part of it, and neither had Azja.

The views from our little break were fairly amazing though!

Muddock Crags overlooking Buttermere

We continued onwards and upwards towards flatter ground at Bleaberry Tarn, as Azja continued to beast the ascent! Whilst I pottered up behind with burning legs and heaving lungs! a few walking breaks started to appear about now!

Typical terrain for the first mile and beyond!

Maddock crags & Buttermere

As the incline evens out the running becomes a little easier and we made our way on the flat ground to the tarn which is a mix of boggy, gloopy mud and big rocks which make a bit of a path, but it's really anyone's guess as to which line to follow! Azja was a good 2-3 minutes ahead of me at the tarn, her ability to climb was not expected, but I was super happy to see her charging off round the tarn and onto the next staircase climb towards the summit! Gladly I recognised a gentleman and his daughter who were having a break at the tarn as customers from work the previous day, so I used this as an opportunity to have a breather and a crack with them about their day and how they were finding the climb etc.

As I was chief water carrier however I noticed Azja had stopped and was waiting for me to catch up so she could grab a drink!

Waiting Patiently for water & treats for Milo!

The staircase gradually merges into scree and loose rock towards the top of Red Pike, and footing can be a bit tricky, today it was super greasy underfoot, and it made the going even harder, but with the summit just about insight, we pushed on. Again I was noticing that I was running more of the climb, whereas normally I would just get my head down and grind out the ascent in a hike, especially at this stage as the climb intensifies and the ground becomes less secure!

Azja & Milo still putting in work!

Crummock Water and the slopes of Melbreak

Just below the summit there is a small scramble through a gouge in the rock caused by the 2009 floods. There is another route which we used to descend, but I find the scramble on the ascent to be quicker and more fun! Milo had to be lifted over a few of the obstacles, his little legs and lack of any jumping ability wouldn't allow for any climbing unaided!

Bleaberry Tarn below the scramble

Surveying the land below the summit

My Queen of the Mountains 

After the scramble there's a steep but manageable run out onto the top and to the summit, I went up first to capture Azja's very first proper fell running summit. The picture says it all!

Mere feet from the summit, one happy Azja!

We hung out at the top and got the obligatory summit pictures!

Queen Of The Mountain

Cumbrian Krupicka

Looking towards the Scafell Range

Ennerdale sneaking in

Loweswater, Melbreak & Crummock Water

Melbreak &Crummock Water with a cloudy Grasmoor

Summit Photo's done we had a quick drink and then headed down the way we had come. I was looking forward to this part as descending has always been my talent with fell running, I'm still slow, but faster than ascending!!

When I was almost back to the tarn I heard a yelp and stopped to look for Azja and Milo behind me. I could see Milo looking off the path into the grasses but no sign of Azja until up popped her head amongst the grass! She had slipped on the rock and taken quite a fall, she assured me she was ok, and I waited for her to catch up. She was running again as she got to me and once again said she was ok, and we continued down. We passed all the hikers who had been descending as we went up, and as we crossed the footbridge once more, I unclasped my bag and ran into a freezing Buttermere for an Ice Bath - Legs only! 

2081ft in 1.87 miles for the ascent and the same for descent. Time wasn't something we were concerned with as we were taking a lot of photos, it was Azja's first proper fell run and I'm as unfit as ever!!

2 Weeks Running

I had a bit of PF pain in my left heel after last weeks runs, so i took Saturday & Sunday as rest days. Monday was my first day back at work since illness, i had planned a little headtorcher with Azja, but opted for food & tv instead :-/

I was working a night shift on Tuesday, so i got up early to take Azja to work then ran the 5.5 mile loop on Latrigg. The climb up Spooney Green felt great, i was dismayed to see a pretty slow time to the summit! It was a good run out though, with over 1200ft of climbing and plenty of mud!

After nightshift i slept all day Wednesday :-)

Thursday saw Azja & I head down to Buttermere for a lap of the lake. It was windy as hell and pouring down, perfect! 

First 1.5 miles i felt great, gliding along the track out of the farm towards Gatesgarth, i took a ridiculous fall after the footbridge, and i have no idea how it even happened, literally tripped over thin air!

Coming out of the trees we were subjected to the full strength of the headwind coming down from Haystacks, and running uphill on the road above the farm i'm fairly sure i was running on the spot! 

Once we were across the top of the lake the wind was behind us, and i had a really good run back to the beach area at the bottom of the lake, we had a quick ice bath in the lake then carried on and ran back to the car.

Friday i was involved in filming a vlog for the therapist who helped cure my panic attacks, which i will go into in a seperate blog.

I signed up for my local parkrun and my plan was to run the 5k parkrun on Saturday morning, then carry on up Latrigg and back before work to extend the session and get some climbing in the legs. I didnt realise however the public bathroom at the start of Parkrun had been closed, and the nearest one was 1/2 mile away. I legged it back into town, and back to the start but everyone had left! So i ran around to Spooney Green lane and ran the Latrigg loop anticlockwise. The first mile felt ok, but miles 2 & 3 were just torture, i couldnt get a rhythm and had no strength on the climbs. After the stile into the field up to the summit i started to feel a bit stronger, and managed to run most of this climb. I paused at the summit for some photos (a breather) and then stepped on the gas for the 1.8 miles back to the car. I got down in 13minutes & change, not bad for me when including gates and a fallen tree blocking the path!

Today i planned another round Buttermere but i was really tired, so spent most of the day watching running videos, and then headed of for a 'Turkey Fields' 5k

It's one of my favourite routes, uphill from my house through town for a mile, a 1/3mile descent to the river, into muddy fields to follow the river back to town, over a footbridge, up a really short but ricilously steep bit of road then a shallow descent back to the house. It has about 150/60ft of ascent, and a few obstacles - stiles, gates and 2 main road crossings, so my 32 mins was a surprise time, i expected about 35/36 minutes considering my recent lay off.

A good week back, including the return to work. Trying not to get hung up on times and walking breaks due to the lack of running since August, but i'm my own worst critic, and nothing is ever good enough!! 

Laters taters

Return of #cumbriankrupicka

My last post, way back in August was a dark journey into uselesness, and its been a long path to last friday, when i was allowed to start running again!

I wont go into details, but i was poked, prodded, investigated and operated on, mostly to discover the cause of my retching, and some in the constant care of my heart. I've either been in hospital or the dr's surgery once a week for 12 weeks give or take the odd week off! All towards the word last week to start running again! 

So, health crap aside, lets go running! 

12 weeks without a run after averaging 25/30 miles a week previously had taken its toll! I'd piled on almost 14lbs, and some days id been bed bound with illness. 

First run back was 3.6 miles with about 550ft ascent. Surprisingly i climbed the first 220ft ascent quite well, and managed to keep trudging over the undulations and down the descent. The climb up 'Bastard Hill' reduced me to a walk and i allowed gravity to guide my descent back to the car!

The second outing was less impressive!! Feeling buoyed by the success of the first run, Azja & I headed to Dodd. A 4 mile run with 1400ft of ascent in the first 2 miles. After the 1st mile i was very glad that the light had gone & we hadn't brought headtorches, which forced an early descent!

2 days later i headed up Latrigg after dropping off Azja at work. I have a love / hate relationship with Latrigg. I'm ridiculously slow up its initial 900ft/1.75 mile ascent, but i love the views and the descent! Today it took even longer! Which is fine, i fully expected it to be worse! But Cumbrian Krupicka returned! 

      I'm Baaaaaaaaaaaaack! (Chunkier)

Agent A & I headed out a few days later to a fun route above Loweswater. He is averaging 2-3 miles a week for the year, so we were about even fitness wise! There's a long slog up an old farm road, then a steep, undefined route up open fell to the first summit. These first 2 miles were, as expected, slow and littered with walking sections. After this there is a steep descent then it undulates across the tops for a mile or so. Cue lots of photos in perfect Autmn conditions! 

                 Crummock Valley

                 Cumbrian Krupicka 

          Agent A above Crummock

After the undulations & the final summit there is a perfect singletrack descent back the car. I said to Agent A as we descended that it's the type trail you could run all day & never get tired of, it's a gem, hidden away beyond the popular fells.

Today Azja & I had to visit Keswick so decided to have a bimble up & down Latrigg together.

I was fairly happy to see that my ascent was 4/5 minutes than Monday, and a bit closer to my average! Our initial plan was to head straight back down, but the sun was breaking through, and it wasn't too cold, so we opted for the longer route back through Brundholme Woods. 

       One of the best views in England

               100+ steps of torture!

       Azja cruising through the woods

              Mud glorious mud!

The moving time for the run was only actually 3 minutes slower than pb, but we had a lot of photo stops, breathers & stitch stops! 

So i'm back & raring to be fitter than ever before! My plan is try to be conservative, quality miles over a quantity of miles. With winter fast approaching i'm looking to concentrate on my climbing ability and speed work, rather than just banging out miles for the sake of it. Unless of course it snows, then there'll be a few longer outings 👍

It feels good to be running again! Thankyou all for your support, patience and humour, it has truly helped me these past 3 months. 

Stewin'

Following my feeling useless post i'm going to write quickly just to clear my thoughts. 

Friday was awful physically, saturday was better, this morning i almost felt normal for the first time in 16 days.

I got up, made food, even had a jog out in the woods. Nice long bath, minimal nausea. Tea watching footy, ham salad, nephew sat with me, had a hot flush - generally an indicator of panic - followed by the shakes and eventually chills.

Didn't panic in my head, but the obvious release of adrenaline (flush & shakes) pretty much ruined any appetite i had.

I went to lie down and just felt overwhelming sadness and tears flowed. I've only been ill/suffering for 2 weeks, but it feels like i'm always ill or anxious. 

I've never had a girlfriend and been ill like this. I've had colds, sickness bugs etc, but never something that we're chasing with tests etc. i don't know how to act or feel or what to say. I'm worried, who wouldnt be? And i'm sure Azja is, though she'd never admit it to me. I'm worried also that she's tired of my anxiety, of being ill often, worried that she stays, ashamedly, out of pity. 

I try to protect her, i've been putting on a brave face for her, but what if my 'protecting' is actually pushing her away?

If she was ill, how would i react? I'd be there, through hell & high water. Tough days, good days, indifferent days. I'd put my needs to the back to accomodate anything she needed. So why can't i see that she is the same?

Is it because i bring a history, and condition, of illness with me? I feel like maybe i cheated her, like 'look at this guy, 32, in shape, funny, loving caring' and she signs up, but the small print that nobody reads says 'damaged in transit, no refunds available' 

Is it selfish of me to feel that way? Or is it how all people bring health conditions into a relationship feel?

Am i upset because i feel lousy and the drs are idealess? Or am i upset because i feel like a burden? 

I know this, i love her wholeheartedly, i know that spending the rest of my life with her is what i want,i know this health issue will eventually be resolved, even though right now it feels like the end of my life as i know it. 

Probably last blog for a while. Deleting twitter from my phone & fb too, accounts will remain active but i wont be on much if at all, need to concentrate on getting well. 

Thankyou all for your support

Feeling Useless

I'm ill. Again. 

Though this is more serious, potentially. On & off for years i've been retching/vomiting at very random times for no apparent reason. It's happening everyday now, and the dr's are looking at a problem possibly with my adrenal system & in particular cortisol levels. This issue would explain the retching/vomiting, general naseau, anxiety & panic i suffer (hypnotherapy has worked miracles on this front btw) and why sometimes i run/cycle like no tomorrow, and other times why i bonk after relatively little output. 

I've often felt inadequate. Especially with the anxiety & panic, and anyone who has experienced either will most likely attest to this. 

On Sunday i felt awful, i was so naseous that i was on the verge of making myself sick to feel better. Instead i took some anti sickness tablets & a gaviscon and flipped my dr the bird and went for a run. Running is my meditation, as it is for a lot of us on here, and even if i only managed a few hundred metres, at least it might alleviate the feelings for a few minutes. I ran 3 miles in a loop back the car, and felt fan-fucking-tastic. My head was more positive, and i ate my tea with a shovel.

Come monday there was no sickness.

I didnt run monday as i felt fine.

Tuesday i was retching again. Feeling trapped in my 4 walls of resting i set out again with the intention of see how i feel. Same three miles. Felt ok after, no retching today (wednesday)

Wheels in my head start turning. If i run the night before, i dont retch the next day? Coincidence? Adrenaline balancing? 

Spoke to my dr today, my kidneys are working as well as normal (read - theyre fucked, but getting no worse) my blood count is normal, and thyroid is normal. Results for cortisol etc arent back. I explain carefully that i only went for a run to escape my head, not specifically to defy him, and that the next day i had no issues. When i didn't run, back to retching. 

He suggests i run again today and report back tomorrow. 

Bare in mind whatever this is has me sleeping 12 hours a night with a nap during the day, i'm not setting records nor am i anywhere near well.

So today i run, feel ok running, bit tired on the hill back to car (nothing flat here)

By the time i drive home (5mins) i feel shaky, naseous off the scale, faint and my head is in mega downfall mode. I feel useless, what's the point? Why me? I hate myself, what does Azja see in me? I should just hide in my house forever. I get really upset, full on crying, and beating myself up. Few minutes later i plateau, the tears dry up, it's not all bad, hey at least i didnt panic, right? I know my hearts fine, i was at clinic 8 days ago and i'm their golden boy, right? I have the most amazing, understanding girlfriend a man could ask for, right? 

So why the fuck am i so upset and feeling so inadequate?

I spoke afterwards with someone who has become a brilliant friend over the last few years. We use each other as a sounding board for when times are tough. We both said the same thing. The high profile suicide of Robin Williams had got to us both.

I've never been low enough to contemplate suicide, i'm too much of a coward anyway. But i've been low, i've been really low, i've been housebound with panic, i've been told more than once that i might not wake up tomorrow, and i've been clincally dead twice. So i can understand how people can feel so utterly useless that they will be better off dead. 

Ashamedly i have said that maybe i would have been better off not surviving 22 years ago. Which i know is utter bollocks, but depression & despair and dark monsters.

Robin's death played on my mind, especially feeling a bit low and shitty at the minute, and i think that contributed to todays episode. 

Someone who on the surface has it all, family, security, money, and still found it too much to cope with. What chance do we have?

Why do we feel useless? 

I feel useless because i always feel like i'm letting people down. My family, Azja, work. 

I feel useless because somedays the thought of eating in a restaurant has me wishing i could and run to the edge of the earth to get away from panic.

I feel useless because i always seem to have a health problem.

Reality?

I've survived 32 years when i barely survived being born. My family love me unconditionally, and no matter what, in their eyes i'm as normal as can be. If anything i exceed what they think i am capable off.

Azja loves me. For better or worse, she is right there, when i smile she smiles with me, when i'm down she lifts me up. And i would do the same for her in a heartbeat.

Work, can deal with it! And they do, magnificiently, i have good periods where i won't have a sick day for months on end, pulling extra shifts and running the show from open to close. Then, like now, i go home feeling great, and wake up making emergency appointments and being sicker than hopefully anyone at work will ever be.

So what if i'm anxious about restaurants? I knew a guy once who couldn't be in the same room as a baked bean - i shit you not! And with the hypnotherapy, the fear is virtuallly non existant!

Yes i have health problems! Christ i've had 6 massive open heart surgeries including a heart transplant, i've had slmost 60 surgeries in all, i've had cancer, i have a suppressed immune system that led to me catching meningitis from a friends vaccination!

But you know what? I'm still here. I wasn't born to live, but i was born to survive. I'm bloody good at it too!! 

So from now on, when times are shitty, and i feel like giving up, i'll remember one word:

BANGARANG

If you don't know this word, i strongly suggest you watch Hook. 

You aren't useless. I am not useless

WE are Human 

Back on track!

Afternoon! Few weeks since my last post and i've been feeling great!

I had a 4th session with www.sally-stubbs.com and worked out some more residual issues and i'm to report that a bbq, a breakfast at a cafe & a meal with Azja have all happened this week with no anxiety & lots of smiles!! Still work to do on confidence and thought pattern interruption but life is back in my control! 

My July stats for running took a beating though when i broke my toe about 3 weeks ago, so i'm currently well under target for 1000 miles in 2014.

I haven't stopped training though, i dusted off the Merida Ride Lite 93 and hit the road for some cycling! 

I hit a distance pb with my first ever 50 miler (previous best 30miles) followed by another 50 miler then a Strava segment smashing 30 miler earlier this week. After the 30 i was a bit concerned that it didn't feel like i'd really done much! Guess that's progress!

I threw a few small (1.5-3 mile) runs in but very steady and pretty painful on the toe until this week.

The day after the 30 miler on the bike i had agreed to meet my boss Byron (@byronodonnell88) and guide him up Skiddaw on a fell run. Skiddaw is one of the highest mountains in England, and the path is steep! 

Having not ran for about 3 weeks i power hiked / ran the trail that runs around Latrigg upto the car park below Skiddaw in order to warm up and engage running muscles! 

Surprisingly i was at the car park about a minute faster than usual! 

We hit Jenkins path and the slog began! Consistently the slowest mile of the ascent, a zig zagging rock track up the mountain, my legs were failing fast! It rained a little and we donned jackets as the wind picked up a little too.

The jog upto the gate below Little Man felt a little easier than normal, but i knew my legs were toast from the climb up! The track around Little Man ascended into the cloud and visibilty dropped to about 15 yards, with the wind whipping our jackets around us.

Thankfully the cloud obscured the final climb to the summit plateau and we made good time. Once we reached the summit plateau however we were exposed to the full force of the wind, which in 3 years of fell running was the strongest i have ever encountered. The wind blew straight across the plateau and made running fairly difficult! We forced on to the summit proper and quickly took a few pictures and a ridiculous video! It was 6 minutes slower than my pb to the summit, but in the conditions, my lack of running & 30 miles on the bike the day before, i was pretty happy! 

The descent is usually my forté as i am comfortable bombing face first down mountains but my toe was not happy! I had to reel it in a bit but took great pleasure in watching Byron gliding effortlessly down the fell. 

I first ran with Byron about 6 months ago, he was new to running having been an avid MTB rider & basketball player before that. We ran around derwentwater at a conversational pace and i gave him a few pointers, told him to watch a few videos to help with form and as always we talked trainers! 

He is now running several times a week and is really flying, his form has changed to a forefoot strike and his footsteps are light and quick. He has been truly bitten by the running bug and our runs now are constantly faster paced ( i'm buggered most of the time!!) and always talking about form, exercises to improve this or that, and future run plans and routes! 

                 Byron atop Skiddaw

          Me being me atop Skiddaw