Evening all,
Once again, apologies for my inability to blog more frequently! I've had a good few weeks though, running wise and in my head!
On the running front i've started doing some 400m interval sessions to try and improve my speed ahead of competing for a place on the Great Britain Transplant Games Team in August. Which will hopefully see me on a plane to Argentina in 2015 to compete at the World Transplant Games. As I'm not hugely competitive apart from against myself, this will be a big test for me! The chance to rock up in a GB kit is pretty inspiring though, so i will run my socks off to get selected!
This month i have also made a return to proper fell running, April & May were basically just building back up from a poor March due to illness. I knocked 1'59 off my Skiddaw ascent time this week, despite being fairly ill on the way up! I'm fairly confident my goal ascent time will fall this summer too, as i felt strong this week despite the setbacks. I'm also on course to hit the 100 mile month again, and will be just short of 500 miles this year by the end of the month, but i'm fairly confident i can easily make up the deficit to finish 2014 on over 1000 miles which was my goal this year.
Personally i have taken a 'leap of faith' with the treatment of my panic attacks. After almost 2 years of seeing the transplant unit psychologist i was becoming dismayed with the lack of progress. It seemed to me that all it was doing was allowing me to recover from the panic, but not actually stopping the panics from working. I began to look into hypnotherapy & psychotherapy as another avenue to pursue.
I found a highly recommended hypnotherapist who had been in practice since the mid eighties, and she lived locally too, which would help as my panics usually appear when away from home.
I wrote her an email explaining when i panic, where it usually happens and the almost debilitating effect it was having on my life. She responded very quickly and we set up a phone chat to discuss the issue more in depth and to talk about treatment etc.
In the first 60 minute phone call she had done what the psychologist had never done, and that was find the root of the panics. Turns out my initial panic had been as a 9 year old, in hospital, on bonfire night where i could quite vividly remember hanging onto the bed for dear life whilst nurses tried to calm me down, to no avail. I will never know what triggered the event, but it left me with a T-1 memory.
Basically something happened which got me upset and very worried, and the brain in an effort to protect itself calls time at a particular point, where it decides that the very next moment will be too much to handle, so it launches in fight or flight, AKA panic! My panics now are triggered now by my brain reaching this same point and my reflex reaction is to panic, as that is what my brain has programmed itself to do.
Treatment therefore would work on resolving this 'moment' and then the brain won't revert to the default setting of panic.
The first advice she gave me was to watch a video from her youtube account, which somehow accesses your subconscious and begins to work of your conflict. The first time i watched it i was very much focused on the little boy in the hospital bed, but oddly i wasn't seeing it from the boys point of view, i was watching myself from above. During the video, listening to the monologue i had a vision of falling onto a comfy bed, as i was about to make contact a huge black shape came rushing into my consciousness and actually caused a panic, despite the fact i was happily laying on the bed in no danger whatsoever. The oddest part was that despite the panic attack, i didn't worry, i just let it wash over me.
I listened and continue to listen to the video each evening, after a few days however, my perspective of watching the boy in hospital changed to seeing the same scenario from the point of view of the boy, myself at 9 years old.
Before we spoke on the phone for a 2nd time i went for a meal with my girlfriend, normally a tense affair with my near constant anxiety of having a panic overshadowing the meal. This time however i was able to sit and eat the meal comfortably, and left the restaurant with a feeling of elation, if the video could help this much, maybe the hypnotherapy itself would be massively beneficial??
What goes up, must come down however, and the following week i decided i would have breakfast at a little cafe in the sunshine, and spent the whole time fighting the urge to leave as the prospect of panic crept up on me once more.
The first session.
I won't lie, i was cacking my myself walking into the session. Though i'd researched hypnotherapy i had no idea what would happen, would i be put to sleep? would she induce a panic? would i be able to sit there without panic long enough to achieve anything??
First off, you don't go to sleep! apparently that method of hypnotherapy merely hides the problem even deeper, instead of solving it. And inducing a panic is not part of the process either!
She did some simple association activities, i had to write, or draw what i thought immediately after she gave me a scenario.
The first being, what i saw or felt about my birth. The second, what i saw or felt about my perfect future. Finally, what i saw or felt about the panic attacks. Then i had to choose where in the room each of these images/words belonged in the room. The birth felt comfortable in the window, the future was down by the river in her garden and the panic was hidden behind her desk, where i couldn't see it. Already quite a powerful visual tool as to how i felt about the panic.
She then asked questions about the birth, what i knew instinctively about my own birth. Then about the future, why i had chosen to place it near the river and not in the room - i could see it, but it was still a little ways away. Finally she asked how i felt about the panic. Immediately i said i wanted to destroy it, and boom! in that instant i just burst into tears, from absolutely no where, and my whole body, especially my legs and feet felt immensely heavy, to point where i didn't feel i could i move my feet even if i wanted to. The surge of emotion was incredible, and took me 5-10 minutes to start to come round from it. It felt like my body had been encased in brickwork and i had finally broken it, until it was just debris around my feet.
I can't properly explain the feelings, but the power of them was incredible, and i couldn't believe that they had come from absolutely no where, like a train just smashing into you! i was physically tired from it.
She then asked about the placements of the scenarios again. The birth stayed in place. The future came into the room, and within touching distance. The panic came out from behind the desk, and started to make its way out of the room.
At this point i had to stop, i had nothing left, i was mentally, emotionally and physically drained, but she was happy with the progress for the first session!
The past week since the first session i have started to notice differences. I still have the thoughts of 'right i'm going to be anxious' but i have none of the physical reactions, and my brain doesn't go into panic mode, even though i am still expecting it! In my book that is a whopping step forward and even though i still fear i will be anxious, i'm slowly learning that i don't need to be afraid of that, and trying to build my confidence back up.
I have a second session in 2 days time, which she says will probably be enough to resolve the issue completely.
Onwards to the 2nd session, then hopefully a fun filled and happy future, no longer constrained by the fears of panic.
