Hello Bob

Evening peoples, this week i once again had the pleasure & honour of being joined by Mark Lyons (@runner786) for a few gentle miles in the Lakes. 

Now, when i say gentle miles, i don't really mean it! We'd decided to do leg 2 of the Bob Graham Round. Leg 2 runs from Threlkeld to Dunmail Raise, via 12 peaks, in around 13 miles, and over 5k of vert, and around 4500k of descent. See, nice & gentle! 

We agreed to meet at Dunmail Raise layby to drop one of the cars, and head to Threlkeld to the start. Leaving home the weather was perfect, cool with clear blue skies and sunshine. As i hit Keswick it started to cloud over but nothing too bad, and the cloud was higher than Skiddaw summit which is always a good sign. Toward Dunmail the very top of Helvellyn was in cloud, but everything else was clear. 

From Threlkeld you head straight up Clough Head. Straight up! In less than 2 wet, boggy steep miles, you climb over 2,000ft! Not surprisingly when we reached the summit there were high winds and about 30ft visibility.

We ran on to Great Dodd, Watson Dodd and Stybarrow Dodd. I was coping ok on the flats & descents but the climbs were literally killing me!

I'd started out with compression calf sleeves on, but i rolled them down half way up Stybarrow Dodd, my calves just felt restricted, so they'll be staying purely for recovery from now on!

Heading up to raise the weather started to deteriorate, the wind was picking up, it was cold, and visibility was reducing by the minute. 

We made the summit, and i boosted a Gü energy gel to try and pick me up on the climbs. Then we took off over the rocky section to Whiteside. 

                      Mark on Raise

The next climb upto Helvellyn Lower Man just about saw me off, and Mark looked a bit cold with my pace slowing us. An icy rain had also started by now, which was just wonderful. Not! 

We reached the high point of the route on Helvellyn, Took a very quick photo, of absolutely nothing as it was so cloudy, and then legged it to the shelter to hide from the wind for a minute and grab a drink. 

           Views on Helvellyn - Mark

We had decided at this point to skip the final 2 peaks (Fairfield & Seat Sandal) which still left Nethermost Pike & Dollywagon Pike. We ran on from the shelter, and hit the ascent to Nethermost Pike, where i promptly stacked it and burst out laughing! The ridgeline to Dollywagon Pike usually offers amazing views over High Crags & Ruthwaite Cove, today however we were more intent on finding the fenceline descent to Grisedale Hause. Which as Mark called it 'a line so steep i thought i was dropping into Lucifers toilet' and gave our quads a pretty good beasting! 

We took the Raise Beck trail path back to Dunmail Raise, a technical, rocky descent which was just enough to finish us off! 

All said & done we'd covered 11.2 miles with 4475ft of ascent & 4088ft of descent. Soaked the bone, cold, muddy, and happy as Larry :-) 

Next time i'm heading to Marks playground, Rubberslaw! 

2 Skiddaw Runs & A Buttermere Wander

Hello Peoples!!
Firstly thank you for the responses to my last post, much appreciated.

So it's been a couple of weeks since i wrote on here, as usual! In the last two weeks though i've had 3 really good runs with a few short ones thrown in for good measure!
Firstly Agent A and I had an early morning jaunt up a frozen Skiddaw last Monday before i had a day at work. The temperature in town was cold, but manageable, and i set off before Adam arrived, he's faster than me anyway! I got up Latrigg in average time, but had bad stomach issues as soon as i hit Jenkins Path which slowed me down a bit. Adam soon caught me at the first gate on the ascent of Jenkins and we power hiked up the zig zags and resumed a very slow pace to the stile below Little Man.
My legs were like lead, i had no strength for some reason, but we ran on and then power hiked up the last climb to the summit plateau and jogged to the summit.

 It was a bit cold on the summit!

 As proven by the ice on Adams legs!

 Agent A braving the elements too

Agent A descending from the summit

The descent was fun as always, steep technical trail interspersed with hard packed paths, leading into Latrigg which is a fast path back to the car. I then went to work, which was fun on knackered legs!

The next day Matt text to say he was up for a run of our local route, a mixed bag of tarmac and muddy fields for 3 miles. My legs were sore and tired after about 100 metres, and Matt was pushing a decent pace! I was happily surprised at the finish of the run to see we were actually faster than the same route the week before, and even got out on the bike the next day and felt ok!

The Sunday night tradition of running Skiddaw was reinstated this week after a hiatus for surgery and without me heckling people to run it, they never do! The weather was perfect, clear skies and sunshine, and the tops were covered with a healthy dose of snow.

Agent A was nursing a mega hangover at work and was in no fit state to join us (pansy) so myself, Matt and George decided we would skip Latrigg and start from Underscar Carpark. Matt & George are fit guys and soon left me for dead on the ascent, waiting every few hundred metres to make sure my headtorch was still heading up hill.

Just above the zig zags on Jenkins path the snow took over and it was a welcome return! The crunch of each footstep was amazing, and the jog up to Little Man stile, and onward to the summit stile was pretty magical under a starlit night sky. The summit plateau was enshrined in a thin cloud which dissipated quickly thankfully. 

 George (seated) and Matt on the summit

 me, stood on the Trig Point on the summit

George & I on the summit

The descent was great fun, the snow allowed for a fast descent from the summit, and Jenkins path was a joy to bound down under the moon light to the car park, once again a thoroughly enjoyable jaunt up and down a hard fell!

The weather for yesterday was forecast to be perfect for a run, so Agent A and I headed to Buttermere to run my favourite route in the mountains, and a route that Adam had never walked nor run. 

We started out with the run from the hotels along the farm tracks to the base of Red Pike. The climb up RP is a little over 2000ft in less than 2 miles, and it's a real slog!! we made the summit in 70 minutes from the car, a ways off my pb, but still pretty good going!

 Agent A (above) and Myself atop Red Pike

From Red Pike we dropped down to cross the top of Chapel Crags and climb up to High Stile. From High Stile we ran the technical ridge line above Comb Crags over to High Crag, taking us to over 3000ft ascent in less than 4 miles! The Gamlin End descent off High Crag is a quad crushing mix of loose scree (talus to the Americans) and hard stone staircase to the foot of Seat. We walked over Seat and took in some GU Chomps and Clif ShotBlocs then ran the descent to Scarth Gap, where we decided to carry on over Haystacks to stretch out the day a little longer!

 Running the ridge line above Comb Crag

 Descending Gamlin End

The first scramble on Haystacks 

Haystacks was Wainrights favourite mountain, and it's easy to see why, a mixture of steep path and rock scrambles leads the way over the fell to Innonimate Tarn, which is generally where i eat lunch if hiking the route! We briefly discussed heading over to Honister and completing the full horseshoe, but dismissed it and instead decided to cut down the sheep trod to the bothy. A quick drink and more energy blocs at the bothy and we descended to Gatesgarth in the valley bottom, and followed the lake back to Buttermere village. We quickly spruced ourselves up (deodorant and a change of t-shirt) and we went to the little cafe and destroyed some amazing sausage baps and a few cans of coke! all in all an absolutely fantastic few hours on the fells, and i think Adam was suitable impressed with the choice of route!

 Innonimate Tarn on Haystacks

The view of Crummock and Buttermere from the Bothy is worth the hard work!

The End 

(until next time)

Results of MOT

Hello peoples in my internet! 

So yesterday i was in hospital for my MOT, basically a series of tests inside my heart through a small surgery. You're awake for the whole thing, which is a bit odd, but after undergoing this surgery over 30 times i've gotten pretty used to it! 

The surgeon was pretty happy with how everything looked, but i would get the full results in clinic today. 

After the surgery you have to lie flat for 2 hours, be sat up for an hour and then they stand you up, make you walk a little then sit you down for another hour. This is to make sure the wound doesn't burst, they use the femoral artery in the groin to directly access the heart, if it bleeds you have about 5minutes to get help or it's goodnight! 

So i saw my transplant consultant this morning, he checked my x-rays against 5 years ago, and 10 years ago, then moved onto the video imagery from the surgery. 

Blood pumping through my heart

He compared the various video angles to the videos from the last 10 surgeries and was happy to announce that the heart looked strong and there were no signs of wear & tear or angina etc. 

Despite all the physical activity i do, waiting for these results scares the shit out of me every year. Talking with the Dr though he said i have to start thinking that things won't go wrong, instead of waiting for them to go wrong. The advances in medicines and the ever growing understanding of transplanted organs is shifting from an estimated life span, to a view of them lasting a lifetime. 

Having been told to expect five years, i've always considered the following 16 years as living on borrowed time, now its time to shift into just living like a normal person!

Thankyou all for the support & well wishes, it means alot! 

Return of the Blog!

So, didn't realise i last blogged in March!! It's October now, and i can't sleep! 

I had a great few months of running from March through July, several 16 milers with Agent A, and lots of Latrigg & Skiddaw ascents with the guys from work. Also had a cracking afternoon playing on the Langdale Pikes with John Millen, falling in bogs and losing the path! I upped my cycling too which despite my intense enjoyment led to tightnening of a few bits and pieces resulting in a sore knee, so i took around 6 weeks off to get it treated, Marcus Scotney doing a fantastic job!

First 'proper' run back was after work on the usual 6 miler up and round Latrigg, joined by WHW CR holder Paul Giblin. I'd met Paul a few times but had never ran with him. He floated around the 6 miles without making a sound, or getting out of breath, whilst i thumped my way round like an asthmatic elephant!

A week later Mark Lyons met me from work and we headed to Buttermere, up Scarth Gap Pass and hit Seat, High Crag, High Style & Red Pike, finishing off with a dip in Buttermere! 

After that a chance to meet ultra legend Scott Jurek popped up, so Agent A & I scooted off to Ambleside to meet him. Taller than expected he was an imposing figure, but full of praise for fell runners, admitting the manicured trails of the USA were a far cry from beasting straight up sheep trods & scree! 

John Millen was in town again a couple weeks ago and he drove me to a 2013 Latrigg ascent PB, followed by Brundholme Woods finest singletrack trails!

Sunday gone i knocked a huge 6minutes off my Skiddaw ascent PB in pretty awful conditions! 

Today i knocked 2 minutes 18 seconds of my 5k PB too as i begin speed working to hopefully qualify to represent GB at the Transplant Games in 2015 in Argentina, i have until August 2014 to get as near 20min 5k as possible, so lots to do!

Health wise i have my annual MOT on the heart next week, which is surgery and a bunch of tests, and as most of you are now aware i have been diagnosed with Cancer. Thankfully, the c-word is scarier than the prognosis. Its a very small lump, and the type of cancer is non agressive and in 98% of cases slicing the bastard out is a cure. After 2 days of initial shock & upset i'm in a much better frame of mind, and just waiting for a date for them to rid me of it!

All said & done i'm doing pretty good! I reckon Skiddaw & 5k pb's this week are a good indication that next weeks results will be positive, and you all can look forward to a more regular & positive blog! 

Inspiration

Who inspires you to lace up your shoes, day after day, morning, noon and night, come rain or shine? What inspired you to take that very first step on your very first run? 

Inspiration comes in many shapes. For some, another person is an inspiration, a driving force behind their own actions. For others a personal goal is the driving force. For most, there are a combination of both.

People have told me that I am inspirational, which is flattering, but I dismiss it as kind words and nothing more. I don't do this to offend people, I do it because I don't see how I can be an inspiration to anyone. I look at what inspires me, and I see nothing of myself in any of it. I've never won a race, in fact I purposely never race. I've never ran an inconceivable distance or a sub 5 minute mile (5:03 when I was 18) and I don't think I've ever achieved anything that someone hasn't already achieved. I don't inspire myself, anyone who knows me will attest to the fact that I am my own worst critic. So who inspires me?

Firstly anyone who has donated an organ. The gift of life, which in most cases can only be given upon their own death, is truly inspirational. My donor, and his family, inspire me everyday. At the time of my transplant, my donor was 3 years older than me, still a child, not even a teenager yet. I cannot begin to imagine the pain at losing a child, but to take that pain and still allow their organs to save others is beyond words, I am eternally grateful and I try to make my donor proud with anything and everything I do in life. More and more I am pushing my own limits, trying to prove myself worthy of this gift.

My family inspire me. My sisters have never complained, despite the time my parents spent at the hospitals over the years. They never complained that plans had to change due to circumstances surrounding me. They are still the first people to rally round when I am unwell, unconditional support, beyond that of being family. My mother is an amazing lady. Since the day I was born she never missed a night in hospital, even now at the age of 30, she demands to accompany me to my annual surgeries. She has been a single mother of 3 since 1999, and she would give everything she has ever had to make sure that we are all happy and healthy. She is silently terrified that my running will kill me one day, but she is strong enough to allow me to follow my own path, because she knows that running is now the one thing that makes me who I am, who I have become. I think a lot about my family when running, the hardships, the sadness, the sleepless nights and the laughs. My little sister has an infectious laugh, a laugh that merely thinking about can set you off grinning like a loon.

My friends in the transplant community are a massive inspiration. Last year a good friend underwent his second kidney transplant. His dad was a living donor this time. To endure and survive a transplant once is hard enough, twice is beyond me, especially when a family member is the donor. Another transplant recipient that should inspire anyone is my friend R. She has survived two heart transplants and several strokes, and isn't even 20 yet. I first met her 7 years ago now.

Understandably parents tend to wrap their transplanted children in cotton wool. Luckily I was a mischievous little bugger after my transplant, and I did things that my parents didn't approve of, but allowed me to do as part of growing up. I was constantly covered in cuts, scrapes and bruises. Falling from trees, swimming in rivers and lakes, building dens, playing football and rugby, basically being a kid again. In 2006 I was invited to accompany a charity trip to Switzerland, a ski camp for around 25 children who had undergone organ transplants. There were three or four of us older transplant recipients, and we had all been transplanted longer than 10 years each. For many of the children, it was the first time post transplant away from their parents. Our job was simple, show them that having a transplant is not the end, but merely the beginning. The week we spent in Switzerland will stay with me forever. At the start of the week the kids were quiet, and apprehensive of their abilities. By the end of the week every single child was skiing from the top of the mountain to the bottom, and gutted to return home to their families. Did I inspire them? I don't know. Did they inspire me? yes they did and continue to inspire me whenever I think of that week away.

So what inspired me to run?

Undoubtedly the main reason to improve my health and fitness was my transplant. In May 2011 my transplant was 19 years old, which is pretty good going! I figured that I should really start looking after myself a bit better. I stopped drinking alcohol for over 18 months, and started going for a few easy runs a month, no further than 3 miles, as I wasn't convinced I could go further.

Through my job at the time I became aware of Anton Krupicka. A mountain runner for New Balance living and training in Colorado. He ran a sub four hour marathon aged twelve, yes 12!! He is now a name synonymous with ultra distance mountain racing 

Krupicka's usual running attire (pic: 

 Glenn Tachiyama)

His exploits have been captured in Joel Wolperts 'The Runner in Winter' video and in this summers release 'In The High Country' and in the epic JourneyFilm video 'Unbreakable' which is a fantastic film following Krupicka and 3 other elite ultra distance runners over the course of the Western States 100 Miler. Krupicka's minimalistic approach is something I have also tried to embrace. He was involved heavily with the New Balance Minimus range of footwear which has been hugely successful and includes several of my favourite shoes. He also led to the emergence of Cumbrian Krupicka, which started as a homage to the man himself and basically involves me stripping off to just shorts and shoes upon mountain summits in any weather! His running continually inspires me, as does his love of the mountains and the purity of being in the mountains.

Closer to home, my inspiration for heading into my local mountains came from the book 'Feet In The Clouds' by Richard Askwith. A book about one man's quest to complete the fabled Bob Graham Round. 42 peaks, 30,000ft of ascent and 24 hours in which to complete it. One of the best running books I have ever read, and being based on mountains within a 30 minute drive from my house, very easy to relate to. Definitely responsible for my obsession with fell running, and for planting the seed of possibly attempting a Bob Graham Round in the future - a long way into the future!

Over the last 2 years that I have been running I have submerged myself into the mountainous ultra distance side of the sport. Never even knowing that distances beyond 26.2 miles were feasibly, let alone popular!

2 British ex-pats are near the top of my inspirational people list. 

Ian Sharman has been at the fore of ultra distance racing for several years. He has finished the iconic Western States in the top ten 3 times, and set the fastest US 100 mile trail race time at Rocky Raccoon Last year in 12 hours 44 minutes!

The 2nd is Joe Grant who recently completed the insanely difficult Iditarod Trail Invitational race and has won several ultra distance events. His blog contains a plethora of amazing photos from his adventures, and videos of some of the most stunning running locations on earth. He has a very philosophical approach to his running, and shares lots of information with the reader. He is also quite often the training partner of Krupicka.

Joe running Hardrock 100 2012 (image from Joe's Blog)

 Both are avid twitter users and I have had the pleasure of conversing with each of them over the last 18 months. Reading of their exploits and seeing the photo's and videos are always a source of massive inspiration and are well worth your time in exploring. 

Newly added to my list is Catra Corbett who I first head about in the book Born to Run. Catra is a colourful character, and not your stereotypical runner. An avid tattoo collector, Catra has battled addiction to become a respected name in ultra distance running, and her outfits for runs have become almost as famous as the lady herself! One thing that runs true whether she is competing or training is the fun factor, taking the time to pull handstands or hang from tree branches, Catra brings fun to long distance running like no one else! The recent star of a Talk Ultra podcast, Catra is often found on Instagram with her running buddy Truman, who is a distance running daschund! Once again Catra's story, pictures and blog are a constant source of inspiration, the fact that she is covered in tattoos is an added bonus!

(image from Catra's Blog)

The list could go on for ever quite easily, but I wanted to finish with the people who have a direct impact on my running. Over the last 12 months twitter has become a must read source of information, support and humour. I have somehow amassed a following of almost 1000 people who seem to enjoy (endure) my running tales and inane ramblings about being hungry/tired/sick of work/a lonely singleton who loves the mountains and running!

I also follow over a 1000 people on there, who all influence me in one way or another, but several people stand out above the rest.

James McNeill (@JayMcNeill) has been a great friend on twitter, and being a radiographer understands some of the intricacies of my condition. He is an avid runner, who is looking to progress from marathon to ultra distances next year, and is always around for words of encouragement.

The #runstreak crazies come next! Andrew Fletcher (@mrafletch) is a seasoned runner who has run over 600 days consecutively, racing in many distances and now an ultra runner. He roots out any tweets about a run I may have done and offers his praise each and every time. Mike Wells (@mikew30) is also a relative newcomer to running but he has grabbed the bull by the horns! Already massively into a runstreak of over 450 consecutive days! He has encompassed every distance and is also an ultra runner planning on the Highland Fling next month, to push his mind and body further than he ever has, he also has an insatiable hunger for flapjack! Simon (@mazymixer) is a runstreaker who I have had the pleasure of meeting in 2012, though I am yet to run with him, but one day i'll get him on the mountains! He is currently snowed in with his family in Coniston after travelling up for a race which has had to be cancelled due to the weather, but by the beer count, i don't think he's too fussed! He is a very supportive friend and a hell of a runner by all accounts. Trevor Watson (@houndkirk) is a fellow lover of running off road up silly hills and mountains! He has made an amazing recovery after a bad fall in winter 2011/2012 and even when injured still took to twitter to praise the efforts of others, and to offer support and encouragement whilst I was struggling with minor injuries.

Another group of tweeters that are always handy with words of wisdom, and general filth are these fine gents!

Mark Lyons (@runner786) has completed a lot of ultra distance races, including the Marathon Des Sable, a multistage run across the Saharan desert, a mulitday 100miler in the Himalayas and loads more! Currently recovering from shoulder surgery Mark has helped me with my panic attacks, and the battles that come with trying to run up mountains! he has a sick sense of humour, and that's just fine with me! I met him on a disturbingly wet July night in a car park on the BGR route.

John (Johnnnny_M) is an accomplished mountain runner who i have met a couple of times now. He completed last years UTMB and keeps threatening to join me on a run, though circumstances keep preventing this from happening. 

Paul Giblin (@pyllon) is a minimalistic running deity, and is often referred to as the carpet slipper runner. He was the first British finisher in the TDS race at UTMB 2012, and ran a winter West Highland Way in awful conditions this winter. He is always helpful with any questions relating to my quest to master a better running technique, and always gives me a pat on the back for runs that i complete. I have met Paul twice, once on his BGR attempt which was cut short due to illness, and again recently after he spent a day running in the lakes on a Lakeland 50 recce. A hell of a runner by anyone's standards.

Davie Bell (@RundingerBell) is another accomplished ultra mountain runner, and is definitely a man's man. He pulls no punches and tells it how it is. His sense of humour is on a par with Marks and a usual source of inappropriate laughter. Always keen to ask how the running is going, he is a supportive and sarcastic rock in my running life.

Once again I feel i could go on forever, but to name all the people who inspire me to carry on running would take a long long time! Just know this, if i follow you on twitter, you inspire me. Even if we have never interacted or spoken on there, your tweets don't go unnoticed, and are an immense source of inspiration, support and humour.

Thank you all for helping me to get to where i am, hopefully you all stick around to help me in the future!

New Shoes, A Wedding & Illness

Hello readers!
Sorry for the lack of blogging lately! At the end of my last blog I had been wearing the Brooks Pure Grit 2's for a week and loved them. On returning them I was informed that I might receive a voucher from Brooks towards a new pair, as I had loaned and returned the shoes a day before I was supposed to, the staff at Pete Blands weren't sure what the outcome would be. Unfortunately I never received a voucher, and still needed to replace the MT110's, I did a bit more research online, and despite my cravings for the PG2's, I argued with myself that for the running and routes I wanted to do over summer would require something with a bit more grip. Sticking to the trails the PG2's would have been perfect, but a lot of routes I run are on muddy trail or simply a line across the tops!
I decided on the INOV8 Trailroc 245 as my next shoe. Having ran on the fells purely in New Balance since i started fell running i was a bit apprehensive, and the price tag was a little (read: a lot) higher than i was used to paying! Having received a tax rebate and compensation from a car crash and selling my kayak, i was a little flush with money for a change and decided to bite the bullet!
A few people on Twitter have raved about the 245's and after researching them i decided they were probably best for me. With a 3mm drop they are lower than both the MT110's and the PG2's and perfect for me as a now converted minimalist runner, and with enough cushion in the stack to handle the rocks to which i clamber over!
The first run out in them was a bimble up Latrigg. The plan was simple, i would run my normal route to the summit, my friend from work would run home, get changed and then run up the race route and meet me at the summit, all in all we would be mere minutes apart. I had a good run up, setting a new PB from the road. At the summit it started to snow and as usual i was in tiny shorts and a base layer, so i ran back to the bench and looked down the race route to see if G's head torch was visible. It wasn't there, so i ran from the bench to the summit again, just to keep warm! On return to the bench there was still no sign of a headtorch or G. I had been up there for 15 minutes, and it had been nearly 55 minutes since we had left work, more than enough time for G to have got home, changed and reached the summit, something must be wrong. I hammered down the race route, vaulting the now locked gate into the forest in one swift movement, and down the steep, muddy 'path' that makes up the race's ascent. The 245's were awesome on the descent, the route is wet and muddy all the time, and generally fall inducing, but bar a few tiny slips the 245's held their own brilliantly, but where the hell was my friend?? I hit Spooney Green with a leap from the banking and took off toward the road, reaching the car, from the summit (900ft+ descent) in 8 minutes. There was no sign of G anywhere, i opened the car and grabbed my phone to find a text from him saying 'Sorry dude, parents have booked a meal out, won't be running' argh!!!! Glad that he hadn't infact fallen and broken his leg or neck, i went home, quite happy with the 245's performance!

Another full Latrigg round followed a few days later, and again the 245's were brilliant, and again, i set another PB on the ascent. I also ran the Derwentwater loop on the trail with an ex-colleague, who for reasons unknown prefers roads to trail and fell! We met just after lunch and headed out towards Portinscale to get the boring bit done first. It was another good run for 9 miles, conversation pace the whole way with a couple of walking stints for gates etc. In my previous blog i ran this route in the 2nd fastest time i ever had, and i had bested that again this time. Still not a PB, but not far off at conversation pace means i can definitely better my PB with a concentrated effort.

I had started my 8 days off now, as my sister was getting married on the 7th. Unbeknown to most people at the wedding, my sister and her fiance had discovered the week before that she was 5 weeks pregnant, and unable to drink at the wedding it would soon become apparent, and they were to announce it during the speeches. Heartbreakingly she lost the baby on the Monday before the wedding. With both families being quite close knit, we closed ranks and rallied around them, focusing on the wedding and the future.
My sister had asked me to giver her away at the wedding, and i was honoured to do so.
The ceremony was simple, close family and friends, and my sister looked beautiful. I on the other hand looked immensely uncomfortable in a suit with a pink shirt and tie!
After the ceremony we returned to a local venue for the reception, where i gave an impromptu 'father of the bride' speech, which was unwritten, unrehearsed and unplanned! It was harder than i expected, the other speeches had been and the groom had just finished speaking, where he made comments about losing the baby, which got me a little upset, so i struggled to get going!
I poked fun at the groom and welled up again talking about my sister, and gave him a friendly warning that he should look after her well, as on the Stag Do i had beaten him quite conclusively in a clay pigeon shoot :-D

Cue 4 hours of dancing and drinking soft drinks and eating questionable buffet food!
The next day, Myself and AgentA had planned on another Ennerdale round. Family friends that were staying tagged along to walk around the lake whilst we ran.
We had aimed to go for sub 3hours for the route, meaning a pretty feasible 11/2 minute mile, and we knew certain sections would be quicker. At mile 6 we were ahead of schedule, but i was struck with 'buffet revenge' and struggled with bad guts for 2 miles. At 12 miles i calculated we were behind by 3 minutes, and we both agreed that we were feeling pretty strong. The return leg along the lake shore is quite simply 'gnarly' a mess of roots, boulders and a bit of easy scrambling. Fatigued, the rocks and roots took their toll and our pace dropped horrendously, my calves were cramping with constant change in gait and each step being different height and angle than the previous. Up over Anglers crag we settled back into a decent rhythm, but still came in 26 minutes slower than we wanted, but on the bright side, a 3 minute PB for the route :)

At 5am the next morning (saturday) i woke up and launched myself at the bin and began a 5 hour stint of violent vomiting. By noon i was a complete mess, i had literally nothing left in me, i was super dehydrated, and my temperature was through the rough. Unable to keep liquid down at this point, i couldnt take my transplant meds or paracetamol to try and control the fever. I was shivering uncontrollably and went back to the old school cooling method of stripping off to underwear and sitting next to an open window. We decided to call the out of hours dr, who told us to come to the hospital clinic, which simply wasn;t going to happen, i couldnt even stand up without help, i certainly couldnt face a 20 minute drive to see a dr.
During the morning it had come to light that around 8 others from the wedding had gone down with sickness through the night, and we had initially put it down to food poisoning, but the high temperature pointed towards a virus. By the time the dr did turn up (4 hours later) i was keeping liquid down and had managed to take tablets. My temperature was still high, but as the dr never examined me, she wasn't bothered.
The next morning i felt vaguely better, though by lunch time again my temperature had sky rocketed and i was laying on the sofa shivering.
It's Tuesday now, and i'm stable on my feet and food is staying down. I've not returned to work yet though. Having a suppressed immune system means that if i get an illness, i get the worst version. Those who have suffered this illness along side me were fine again yesterday and back to normal, but i don't have the ability to bounce back like that. It will be another 7-10 days before i feel 'normal' again, and probably 14 before an easy run. Which really sucks as the fells are covered in snow right now and the sky is crystal clear!

I'm at the transplant clinic on the 14th for a check up anyway, so will get a full health check, i think they'll be concerned about the 8lb weight loss in 4 days though!!

Happy Trails all!

A Week With Pure Grit

At the start of the year I signed up to receive a demo pair of Brooks Pure Grit 2 shoes. The Pure line of shoes are Brooks foray into the the minimalist realm of road and trail running.
Being an avid fell and trail runner, obviously I opted for their Pure Grit 2 shoe, which is their trail version. With a 5mm drop between heel and toe (21mm/16mm) it's a minimalist shoe, not 'barefoot' (zero drop) and 1mm higher than my usual shoe of choice, the NB MT110.
I've been looking for a replace for my 110's, as NB's apparent brain fart in design is hurting my shins. The outside of the shoe sits 3.5mm higher than the instep, creating a ridiculous tilt in the foot, ankle and leg! Great shoe...apart from that seemingly ridiculous feature! I have tried on some new Inov8 TrailRoc 245's, and I'm impressed with the feel from a quick try, but wanted to wait and try the Grits.
Brooks organised with a selection of vendors around the UK to host the demo's from, my local being Pete Bland Sports in Kendal, Cumbria (@peteblandsports) a main stay for any runner in Northern England.
The demo was for 7 days, and I was forced to turn up a day early due to staffing issues at work! Not an issue at the shop though as they kindly allowed me to come down on Friday 15th Feb to pick up the shoes.
I hadn't even seen the shoe previously so I was happy to see a pretty nice looking shoe, with asymmetrical lacing and what Brooks call the 'Nav Band' an elasticated band around the mid foot to provide a perfect fit for all feet.

The asymmetrical lacing and red/silver Nav Band 

The second thing I noticed was the split toe on the sole, separating the big toe from the remaining toes. Inside the shoe however the split isn't there, it is entirely on the sole of the shoe, the interior is the same as a regular running shoe. 

The 'Toe Flex' 

So now I had the shoes, time to test them out!

Putting the shoe on first time was awesome! the insole is super comfortable and the uppers are entirely seam free inside the shoe, and boy does it feel good! I generally run without socks, so an instantly comfy inner is a big thumbs up! The tongue is part of the upper down the outside edge, and free on the inside edge, creating a  wrap of the foot nicely. The Nav Band is non obstructive and barely perceptible once you are laced up, but the shoe feels great, nice and snug around the mid foot, and spacious in the toe box.

I had arranged to meet #AgentA at his house just outside Ennerdale and then we would make our way down to the lake and make one lap of the valley trail, which comes in at 15.7 miles with a little over 1000ft of ascent. It was a big ask of both of us, the furthest I had ever ran was a home made 13.2miles, and #AgentA had only ever ran 11 miles (BG leg two the week previous, see previous blog for report).

Needless to say we were both a little apprehensive, but off we went! having never ran as far we set out pretty canny, blasting out the first mile would surely haunt us later!

We ran counter clockwise around the lake in order to climb over Anglers Crag in the first 2 miles, rather than the last 2! After the crag the trail literally became a river, the recent snow melt had saturated the fell sides, and was using the trail as a quick way down to the lake! 4 very wet and pretty slow miles later we escaped the wet and got onto drier trails. The Grits had handled the wet rock and mud exceptionally well, and super comfortable on the run, my feet weren't feeling any of the rock strikes from the previous miles, so I was pretty happy!

On the run itself i couldn't get my head into it, I was worried about the distance, and worried about doing myself in! i quickly adopted the 'walk the hills' mentality and plodded on, enjoying the scenery of the Ennerdale Valley.

Pillar Rock

The turnaround at the head of the valley was a welcome sight, and its actually a little further than half way, so now there was about 7 miles to go, and although my legs were feeling it, i knew the bulk of the run back was downhill on decent trail! We finished in just under 3 hours 30 minutes, slow to some, but glad to have finished for us! Amazingly my feet felt awesome! I would never advise anyone to ever take a pair of new trainers and run 16 miles in them, but they were comfy the whole way and my feet felt fresh as a daisy, though they didn't smell it!

The next outing for the Grits was the 5.5 mile up Latrigg, over the back and home through Brundholme woods. Once again the shoes performed amazingly well. Grippy on the steep ascent, and holding their own through the mud fest of the switchbacks.

On the descent to the woods I fully expected to be sliding around, and was surprised to find a full descent without any slips. The trail through the wood was, as usual, ankle deep in the best of British mud, but besides the expected sideways squelch, there was no dodgy footing or slippages.

Tuesday brought a quick and short bimble up and down Rannerdale Knots from the Crummock end, a mere 810 feet in less than a mile...yep its that steep! Gladly the weather was absolutely stunning, the ground was soft and dry and quite possibly, for the first time ever, I ran in February in just shoes and shorts! Ridiculous but necessary as the shirt was removed after about 2 minutes! The grits were great, up and down, truly loving them by this point!

Reflections on Crummock looking toward Buttermere Fells

Red Pike, High Stile, High Crag, Haystacks and Fleetwith Pike

Looking over Crummock toward Lorton Vale

Inca Post Run with Melbreak overlooking Crummock

The final run before the Grits are returned was this evenings 9 miler around Derwentwater after work. It was baltic, no messing around it was utterly freezing! Being a man however I rocked up in the Grits, 3" split shorts, a base layer and a long sleeve running top :-D and yes, my legs were cold, but thats life!

The Derwentwater route is a mixture of hard packed trail, roads and rock strewn forest paths, and with a little over 300 ft of climb, its basically flat! Once again I found the shoes perfect, superb cushioning for a minimalist shoe, great feel around the foot and feedback from the ground is great. Running tonight with a friend from work we pottered along putting the world to rights the whole way round, coming in only 3 minutes behind my PB, and considering how easy it felt both on the legs and my breathing, I dare say that without the conversation I would be able to smash my PB.

All in all I ran 32 miles this week in the Pure Grits and I truly enjoyed every moment. Undoubtedly for heavy mud they won't stand up to the likes of Inov8 X-talon and Mudclaws, but as everyday trail shoes they are great, definitely as a replacement for the 110's I think they are perfect. 32 miles is coincidentally the biggest week i've ever had

Gutted to return them tomorrow, they're looking a bit sad drying off by the fire too ;-)

A Day Out With Bob Graham

Bob Graham. A name synonymous with fell running. A route of 42 peaks in the Lake District England, almost 70 miles and near enough 30,000ft of ascent, to be considered as completing it, you have 24 hours in which to complete it. The full route is not to be taken lightly, many people train for a long long time before attempting a full round, and I would be lying if I said I didn't have ambitions of completing it one day, though medical reasoning will probably prevent me.

Thankfully, for mere mortals such as myself, the route is dissected by roads which break it down into five individual legs, measuring 10-16 miles each. 

Myself, AgentA and our friend Hannah agreed to run the second leg on Friday. The 2nd leg begins in a small village called Threlkeld, just outside of Keswick, and runs up the front of a mountain called Clough Head.

Clough Head from the car park

The climb up is pretty hard going, starting on tarmac, turning into boggy mulch and then a steep clamber up to the summit. We set off at an easy jog, knowing we had 13.5 miles of mountains to contend with, and an unknown snow situation on top! The climb was hampered by heavy winds, and once we reached the snow line it became apparent that under 2-4" of powdery snow it was solid ice!

Hannah & I on Clough Head Summit

From Clough Head we descended briefly and then climbed back up to Great Dodd and on to Watson's Dodd, then a shallow climb up to Stybarrow Dodd. From Stybarrow you get a nice descent to Sticks Pass and then we had a slow, icy climb up to Raise, where we chatted briefly with a guy who had ran the full route in 2005, he advised us our basic approach was well founded - fast hiking the uphills and running the rest! A nice flat run out to White Side took us to our 5th summit of the day. The ridge line up to Helvellyn Lower Man was literally an ice slide working against us! We got a boost by making good ground on some hikers with ice axes and crampons on! We got a cheer from the 5 or 6 people on the plateau between Lower Man & Helvellyn, they probably didn't expect anyone to be running up there!! 

 The View to Ullswater from Helvellyn, partially frozen Red Tarn

We hit the summit of Helvellyn after about 4 hours, so a little behind schedule, but considering the conditions underfoot, and stopping to talk to a few people, we figured we were doing OK! We descended and climbed up to Nethermost Pike and continued on to Dollywagon Pike.

Descending from Dollywagon Hannah clipped a rock with her foot and took a pretty bad fall, clearing about six feet before she hit the deck. She cracked her knee off another rock on landing and just saved a head injury by getting her arms in front of her face just in time. Panic and the sick feeling hit her straight away, and we sat for 10 minutes making sure she was OK and reassuring her the sick feeling was just the shock and panic at taking a tumble. 

We continued with the mindset to complete the route and bag the last 2 peaks, but the steep decent to Grisedale Tarn in knee deep snow took its toll on Hannah's knee, and we decided to follow the Raise Beck down to Dunmail Raise to the other car.

All said and done we bagged 10 peaks, slogged out 11.6 miles and hit 4603ft of climb! Hannah is thankfully fine, a bit bruised but no damage, she was out cycling yesterday! 

Agent A on the descent to Grisedale Tarn

I took yesterday (Saturday) as a rest day, apart from work! But tonight myself and Agent A decided on a little shake out run! My legs felt pretty good considering Friday's exertion, so we rocked up to Spooney Green Lane to run Latrigg.

The initial ascent (about 1000ft in 1.75 miles) went pretty well, my legs felt about normal and no where near what i expected them to feel! At the start it was raining and as we ascended the rain turned to sleet and then to snow. When we hit the summit it was coming down pretty heavy and settling fast, also blinding us as it reflected our headlamps! Descending off the back of the fell i took a pretty ridiculous tumble, sliding on the snow covered grass, Agent A soon followed as his laughter at my misfortune ended up with him flat on his back about 10 feet behind me! Once into Brundholme wood the snow turned back to rain and the trails became a lesson in keeping your footwear attached in some serious MUD!

No one does mud like Great Britain, it sucks energy almost as well as it tries to steal shoes from your feet!! all in all we did 5 miles for about 1300ft of ascent and ran all but the 2 staircases in Brundholme Wood, not a bad shakeout!

One To Remember

I've been running regularly since April 2011, and mostly on the fells of the Lake District in England, with the odd few miles on the back roads near my house. I used to think Fell Runners were crazy people, why the hell would you take an already demanding sport, and then stick a great mountain in the way and carry on regardless! Alas in April 2011 I joined these crazy people with my first fell run, though it was more of a fast walk with intermittent running on the flatter and more downhill sections, with the odd coughing fit thrown in for good measure. I was hooked though.

One of my favourite run - come - walks is Latrigg, on the outskirts of Keswick. The route I use to the summit is a little under 2 miles, but climbs a hefty 1000ft, meaning a sustained lung buster of uphill from the outset. I've never managed to reach the summit without being reduced to a walk, it's always been a goal to achieve the summit without walking any sections, and to some extent, to be able to call myself a fell runner.

In a previous blog I've spoken about the effect the heart transplant has on me: that when I begin exercising my heart doesn't realise and plods on at about 68bpm, making any run difficult, let alone running up a mountain! Latrigg starts out on Spooney Green Lane, it dips down from the main road and then climbs gently up onto a bridge over a major road and then onto the trail. The lack of output from my heart usually has me walking by the time I reach the bridge, not really the best start! Though it has occurred to me that I regularly run steeper and longer hills without this need to walk, so what was different?

To be brutally honest, I think Latrigg had me beaten before I even started. I know its steep, really steep in parts, and I don't think I've ever believed that I could actually manage to run non stop to the top. 

A friendly 'rivalry' on twitter has brought about a Hillage Challenge - how much vertical gain you run in the month of February. There's no prize, no bestowing of greatness on the winner, just a friendly bit of banter to spice up the running for a month. Obviously living on the doorstep of 300+ mountains gives me a pretty nice advantage to hit some big ascents, and a fair chance at being near the top at the end of the month. At the end of the day it will simply help push my own limits and to get into the higher climbs more often.

So, being the first of February, I figured an ascent of Latrigg would kick off the hillage in pretty good fashion!

I finished work (where I'm on my feet for 8 hours) and headed over to the start of Spooney Green Lane. Shorts, t-shirt, lightweight smock jacket, head torch, watch, New Balance MT110's and a small waist pack with car key, phone, energy gel and spare batteries for head torch, same as any other night run. The only difference was that I was on my own, whereas a few guys from work usually come along.

I waited for my watch to find the satellite and then hit the start button and set off, down the dip onto Spooney Green Lane and into the climb up to the bridge. I hit the bridge and I was still running, my breathing wasn't particularly laboured and my legs felt pretty good, non of the usual screaming for oxygenated blood! I carried on over the bridge and up the incline to the gate at the cottages, still moving.

After the gate the trail bares its teeth with the steepest part of the route, a lung busting and leg killing stretch for maybe only a 1/3 of a mile or so, but steep! I leaned into the climb and took little steps, fully aware that I would be walking fairly shortly. A strange thing happened though, I kept running. 

A guy I used to run with in 2011 once told me the key to running uphill was to run until you felt the burn, run a bit more then change your gait or posture ever so slightly until the ache subsides, when the ache returns, change again. I've tried relentlessly over the past 2 years to this, to no avail, the burn comes, and then it worsens then I walk. 

Today the burn came, I ran some more, change my gait and lean slightly and the burn subsided! When it returned I simply changed my gait and lean until it subsided and carried on. At this point a little voice said "if you manage this steep part, you can reach the summit without walking" 

The trail eases off slightly after the steep climb, though still heads uphill! I'd beaten the 'scary' part, surely the rest was academic? Just before the first mile ticked over on my watch, my calves were burning pretty well, but I was adamant that I was going to run the whole way! I carried on up the switchbacks, firstly with a tailwind helping push me uphill, then into the wind, then the tailwind again, and back onto the main trail to the summit.

I made it to the bench below the summit and I was smiling, just one short steep climb then a pretty flat run to the summit, it was really going to happen, I was going to run non stop to the top! The steep climb between the bench and the summit seemed to roll by without much effort, and then it was there, the summit!

I'd ran, for the first time ever, non stop to the top of Latrigg!!! I was elated! I was Rocky at the top of the steps! It was my slowest ever ascent of Latrigg by 2 minutes, but I had ran the whole thing! It could have taken me 2 hours and I wouldn't of cared! 

I stood on the summit for about 60 seconds, the wind was whipping across the summit and soon chilled me, so I set off on the descent. I took it pretty easy on the descent, concentrated on form and enjoyed myself. 

When I reached the gate at the cottages near the end, I couldn't ignore the call of nature any longer and took a quick bathroom break. My breathing was relaxed, my legs weren't tired and I was feeling pretty good, and the little voice came back "reckon you can do it again?" and the voice didn't mean again tomorrow, it meant again right there and then!

15 minutes after running up there for the first time ever, I was contemplating doing it again! So I grabbed the energy gel and ate it, turned to face the steepest part again, and set off! What the hell was I doing!!

My quads were screaming on the 2nd ascent, and I did fully expect to be reduced to a walk, turn around and go back to the car.

I kept running, I embraced the pain in my legs, used it to propel me up the mountain for the second time, albeit a touch slower! I made it to the switchbacks and I was still running, surely the muddy foot grabbing nature of the switchbacks would prove too much.

I made it to the main trail, I was still running and I was grinning like a lunatic, my legs were feeling better and my breathing was still controlled and steady. I rounded the bench and started the last climb. Towards the top I was beat, I was ready to walk even though I was only 30 metres or so from the summit. Then I was over the climb and onto the relative flat to the summit.

At 6pm today I had never ran non stop to the top of Latrigg and honestly never thought I could. By 7:30pm today I had ran up it twice. 

As far as I'm concerned I can now call myself a Fell Runner.

Health Worries

Evening All,

I've not done a blog for a couple of weeks as I've been struggling with a few odd health issues. Firstly I was randomly dry-heaving a lot! Never actually being sick, despite eating Etc. -  Just random bouts of violent dry heaving! I had suffered it before, but i was very stressed at the time with work and undergoing my annual surgeries to check on the state of my heart.
On the 15th Jan I was about 1/4 mile into a run and it started, and it didn't stop, so I had to give up and go back to the car and home. This was the 4th day in a row that it had happened, twice more at home and once at work. I didn't have to be in work until late so I took myself to the Dr's for the 'Emergency Clinic'
The Dr ran blood tests and gave me a tablet to empty my stomach, but she doubted my stomach was the issue, as I wasn't actually being sick. She signed me off work for 7 days as stress was quickly identified as a possible cause.
The next few days the stomach tablets helped, but i still had the sickly feeling in my stomach & throat and i was utterly worn out. Sleeping 9/10pm right through to 8am and then napping during the day too. Tiredness is usually my biggest indicator that something is wrong, followed closely by cold sores on my lips - which appeared in force 2 days after seeing the Dr.
At this point alarm bells start ringing, super tired and 7 separate cold sores had me fearing the worst. The initial blood work returned with some high levels of Potassium and Creatinine, both of which affect the levels of medication in my bloodstream and aren't advisable! The second issue was the actual blood cells, they were enlarged.
The Dr ran more blood tests to check the Potassium and Creatinine, and more tests for anaemia, vitamin B-12 deficiency and a host of others. I also rang the hospital and spoke to the Cardiac Transplant team and they agreed that i should pop through and have them look at me too, just to be sure.
The hospital was happy with all the levels that they tested for, and the ECG and X-rays showed nothing wrong with the heart - a massive relief!
Whilst this was going on I noticed my sickness was mostly in the mornings, when i usually eat scones or toast...my sister and mam are both intolerant to gluten & wheat - could I be too?
So I cut out wheat completely, and 6 days later i feel massively better! My stomach hasn't felt this good for about 2 years, and with my stomach feeling better my general anxiety and panic has reduced too! Which is also nice! I'm back at the Dr's tomorrow for the anaemia and B-12 et al results as I'm still really tired, but feeling much much better!
The Dr's at the hospital however, were concerned with the fatigue, so have pretty much demanded i reduce my hours at work to 4 days a week, meaning that whilst money will be tight for a while, at least my health won't suffer.
Today i laced up the MT110's and put Inca in the car and went up to my favourite local trail. Up in Setmurthy Forest. The initial climb was, as always, a killer! But I kept slogging away to the rolling hills across the tops. Across the tops and down the far side was heavy underfoot with the snow melt and non stop for the past few days. #BastardHill was tough today, and admittedly I was reduced to walking 60 paces and then running again, however,  a new PB was won in the process, granted I only shaved 3 seconds off it, but still a new PB! I've started climbing again too, and feel much more confident on the wall, again not having to worry about my stomach is helping massively!
Onwards and upwards now hopefully, my stomach is sorting itself out still, but the signs are good this far, i even managed a meal out for my sisters birthday without any anxiety or panics, first time in a long time!

Time to stop being afraid of things i can't control, and face them down anyway!

A Return To The Mountains

Evening all!

As regular readers will know, over the past month or so i have struggled to get much running in between workloads and an issue with my shin, but this week saw a return to some decent running!
The mileage wasn't huge on either of this weeks runs so far, but it brought a return to the sacred mountains of the Lake District in Northern England!
Before issues at work arose, we had a 'Sunday night run club (SNRC)' of colleagues who enjoyed getting into the hills for an hour or two after a generally shorter shift, not all runners by preference but each with a love of the mountains!
So on Sunday myself and 2 others had decided to resurrect the SNRC and hit the local mountain, Latrigg. Standing only 1207ft high, it is a deceptively tough little bugger! Starting on a dirt road called SpooneyGreen Lane and turning into a 3/4ft wide trail it climbs 1001ft to the summit in a mere 1.75 miles! From the summit however, there are some phenomenal views:

 Keswick and Derwentwater

The SNRC also created two characters #CumbrianKrupicka and #AgentA myself being the former, and a colleague being the latter:

Myself on the left, and #AgentA atop Latrigg last autumn.

Despite the many fellrunning legends in and around where i live, the ultra-world hooked me in, though the Bob Graham Round still has my strongest desire!
Of the athletes within the ultra scene, one in particular stood out. For reasons unknown, or possibly because he ran a full marathon at age 12, Anton Krupicka became my first running idol, and still remains a great source of inspiration. The shirtless look was soon adopted (on warmer days) and ergo #CumbrianKrupicka was born, #AgentA lent my copy of Unbreakable and followed suit soon after! There is now a friendly rivalry to summit bare chested on our runs, whether there is snow on the ground or sun in the sky!

The run on Sunday followed the now tradition, and once again i found myself stood atop Latrigg shirtless for a quick photo! Generally we descend off the summit and into Brundholme woods for some tasty trails in the forest and along the river, but feeling unfit and overfed from xmas we decided to descend via Gale Rd car park, and then down SpooneyGreen Lane back to the cars.
On Monday i had a day off work, and the weather was awful! It was blowing a gale and the rain was steadily falling, so i opted to be a bit lazy for most of the day, catching up on mail and running errands.
At about 3:30pm i decided that i owed it to myself to get out into the weather and log a few miles, though the sofa had me a death grip!
I hate running in a waterproof jacket, i feel overheated almost immediately and can never find a way to be comfortable in one! so i just threw on a Montane Featherlite smock and headed out. I ran my local route on a hill out the back of town, 600ft of ascent in a little over 3.5 miles. I could feel the previous nights effort in my legs, and willed myself to run hard despite the fatigue, the first and steepest ascent actually felt pretty good and going into the rolling trail across the top of the forest i managed to open up the tanks a bit and ran an 8minute mile in the mud! The final hill (bastardhill) was pretty rough though, my quads were burning and i was very grateful to summit and hit the steep descent to the car!

I adopted a collie / labrador cross pup this week too. He is 9months old and was already named Blade, needless to say he will be a regular training partner! Shorter runs for now, working his way up to longer days in the mountains in the future!

Happy New Year

This post was intended to be published yesterday (New Years Day) but I knew I was at the hospital today, and wanted to open up about another condition that I suffer from.
Throughout my post-transplant life I have suffered infrequent panic attacks. Often only occurring maybe once in 4-5 years and not really an issue. In 2004 there was a new drug for immunosuppressant therapy introduced which had a less damaging effect on the other organs in the body, primarily the kidneys, which take an absolute beating trying to clean my blood!
A few weeks after swapping out my usual medication for the new one I was driving to a nearby city with a friend for a bit of lunch and some shopping. On the way I had a panic attack, nothing major, I knew what it was, and duly pulled the car off the road, got out for some fresh air and to calm down, and then carried on my way. Continuing the drive I went on to suffer 7 more, progressively worse panic attacks, resulting in leaving the car in the nearest car park and hi-tailing it to the hospital fearing that something worse was at play.
2 weeks in hospital getting poked, prodded and tested for even random ailments proved nothing was wrong, even having panic attacks whilst hooked up to various monitors and machines couldn't figure out why I was suddenly so besieged by them.
It was decided it was the new medication, so I was swapped back to the old faithful medication that had been fine for 12 years! The bad news however, was that I was now afraid of panic attacks, and able to bring them on myself simply by worrying about having one!
They got so bad in the following months that I couldn't return to work, and even struggled to leave the house alone sometimes for fear of having one. The stupid thing is, I knew they did no harm, I'd been on cardiac monitors whilst in the throes of them and seen with my own eyes that they were causing no reaction!
If you have never experienced a panic attack, it can be difficult to understand them, certainly trying to explain to my friends what they were and the effect that they had proved difficult. I will try to describe how awful they were though:
Initially there is a very brief, fleeting negative thought which kicks off the whole episode, for some its claustrophobia, for me it's generally being sick in public. I have a phobia of being sick due to a nasty experience with a ventilator in the hours after my transplant! This tiny, fleeting thought kicks off the 'fight or flight' response in steroid abuse mode, and your nerves start firing off around your body to prepare for war, adding physical distress to the growing mental anguish. Back in 2004, the mental anguish was horrendous, once the panic had set in, I was convinced I was going to die! Quite scary and very irrational, but the mind is a powerful weapon. Your mind is screaming at you to get the hell out of whatever situation you are in (restaurants are a weak point for me) and this reverts to fight or flight.
The physical manifestations can vary person to person, heart seemingly pounding in your chest, a tightness which makes you feel like you can't breathe, hot flushes, shaking uncontrollably, vomiting, the need to evacuate bowels immediately and in some cases passing out.
Not a nice situation to be in, and it happens within seconds/minutes of the initial, single, negative thought.
I struggled massively in 2004/5 like I said, eventually needing anxiety medications to get a handle on it. By the end 2005 however I had them pretty much beat, got a new job and life was peachy again for several years!
The last 18-24 months however I started to suffer again, not to the same degree of panic or fear, but enough to make going for meals and weekends away uncomfortable, and for me to question myself as to why I was different, why couldn't I cope?
I would be at work and watching people who were on holiday, asking myself  'Why aren't they anxious or panicky?' I didn't know it at the time, but I was beating myself up mentally. I wasn't questioning them, I was questioning my own abilities.

In the last 2 years I found running to be therapeutic not only as it was helping me stay healthy and working my heart, but I found that despite being off in the mountains, often with little more than some water and a few energy gels, I was calm.
Sure a lot of the time I'm blowing out my arse, my heart is pounding through my ribcage and my legs are screaming at me to find a hobby that involves a lot of sitting down! but I'm at peace in my own head, just one foot in front of the other, watching the ground and picking my footfalls. I see the majesty in where I live, and hopefully if you've seen any of my photo's you will agree!
Out on a run there is only me, there is no pressure to perform or conform to anyone else's ideals or standards. In an environment where most of my friends will admit to feeling vulnerable, I am free of the fears and anxieties that occur to me in daily life, which they do not have!
My runs aren't record setting, my distances don't beggar belief, but they're mine all the same. No one else can run for you, and I'm pretty certain most of you reading this will agree that the time spent out running is special to each of us. I have had fantastic runs in all types of weather, be it in shoes and shorts and nothing else in summer, to wrapped up like an Inuit freezing the jewels off atop a mountain in the dark with snow knee deep!
I don't run because the sun shines and it'll be nice and easy, I run to centre myself and to be free from daily life. I am currently seeing a transplant specific psychologist to help with my anxiety, and it is working, and she thinks that running is the my way forward.
My panic/anxieties are nothing like they were in 2004, not even close! I know they are irrational and I know for the most part that even if that little negative thought creeps into my psyche I can suppress it and carry on.
Restaurants and weekends away are still on my weak list, but I don't give in, I still go for meals with friends, and still have nights and weekends away with them, so what if I struggle a bit? so what if I don't finish my meal or go back to the hotel early? I'm alive, I've fought tooth and nail to make it this far against far worse adversaries, and at the end of the day, if they do become too much, I have about 20 pairs of running shoes to choose from, lace up and bugger off for a run!!

My run drought is also over! having ran the past 3 days, a 3.5 mile hilly mud fest! a quick flat mile around town and this afternoon I did 3.7 miles on what can only be described as mud with the odd puddle of water! No records broken, no strava segments set, just me, the ground and the world around me, and man it feels good!

Happy New Year Folks!