Stewin'

Following my feeling useless post i'm going to write quickly just to clear my thoughts. 

Friday was awful physically, saturday was better, this morning i almost felt normal for the first time in 16 days.

I got up, made food, even had a jog out in the woods. Nice long bath, minimal nausea. Tea watching footy, ham salad, nephew sat with me, had a hot flush - generally an indicator of panic - followed by the shakes and eventually chills.

Didn't panic in my head, but the obvious release of adrenaline (flush & shakes) pretty much ruined any appetite i had.

I went to lie down and just felt overwhelming sadness and tears flowed. I've only been ill/suffering for 2 weeks, but it feels like i'm always ill or anxious. 

I've never had a girlfriend and been ill like this. I've had colds, sickness bugs etc, but never something that we're chasing with tests etc. i don't know how to act or feel or what to say. I'm worried, who wouldnt be? And i'm sure Azja is, though she'd never admit it to me. I'm worried also that she's tired of my anxiety, of being ill often, worried that she stays, ashamedly, out of pity. 

I try to protect her, i've been putting on a brave face for her, but what if my 'protecting' is actually pushing her away?

If she was ill, how would i react? I'd be there, through hell & high water. Tough days, good days, indifferent days. I'd put my needs to the back to accomodate anything she needed. So why can't i see that she is the same?

Is it because i bring a history, and condition, of illness with me? I feel like maybe i cheated her, like 'look at this guy, 32, in shape, funny, loving caring' and she signs up, but the small print that nobody reads says 'damaged in transit, no refunds available' 

Is it selfish of me to feel that way? Or is it how all people bring health conditions into a relationship feel?

Am i upset because i feel lousy and the drs are idealess? Or am i upset because i feel like a burden? 

I know this, i love her wholeheartedly, i know that spending the rest of my life with her is what i want,i know this health issue will eventually be resolved, even though right now it feels like the end of my life as i know it. 

Probably last blog for a while. Deleting twitter from my phone & fb too, accounts will remain active but i wont be on much if at all, need to concentrate on getting well. 

Thankyou all for your support

Feeling Useless

I'm ill. Again. 

Though this is more serious, potentially. On & off for years i've been retching/vomiting at very random times for no apparent reason. It's happening everyday now, and the dr's are looking at a problem possibly with my adrenal system & in particular cortisol levels. This issue would explain the retching/vomiting, general naseau, anxiety & panic i suffer (hypnotherapy has worked miracles on this front btw) and why sometimes i run/cycle like no tomorrow, and other times why i bonk after relatively little output. 

I've often felt inadequate. Especially with the anxiety & panic, and anyone who has experienced either will most likely attest to this. 

On Sunday i felt awful, i was so naseous that i was on the verge of making myself sick to feel better. Instead i took some anti sickness tablets & a gaviscon and flipped my dr the bird and went for a run. Running is my meditation, as it is for a lot of us on here, and even if i only managed a few hundred metres, at least it might alleviate the feelings for a few minutes. I ran 3 miles in a loop back the car, and felt fan-fucking-tastic. My head was more positive, and i ate my tea with a shovel.

Come monday there was no sickness.

I didnt run monday as i felt fine.

Tuesday i was retching again. Feeling trapped in my 4 walls of resting i set out again with the intention of see how i feel. Same three miles. Felt ok after, no retching today (wednesday)

Wheels in my head start turning. If i run the night before, i dont retch the next day? Coincidence? Adrenaline balancing? 

Spoke to my dr today, my kidneys are working as well as normal (read - theyre fucked, but getting no worse) my blood count is normal, and thyroid is normal. Results for cortisol etc arent back. I explain carefully that i only went for a run to escape my head, not specifically to defy him, and that the next day i had no issues. When i didn't run, back to retching. 

He suggests i run again today and report back tomorrow. 

Bare in mind whatever this is has me sleeping 12 hours a night with a nap during the day, i'm not setting records nor am i anywhere near well.

So today i run, feel ok running, bit tired on the hill back to car (nothing flat here)

By the time i drive home (5mins) i feel shaky, naseous off the scale, faint and my head is in mega downfall mode. I feel useless, what's the point? Why me? I hate myself, what does Azja see in me? I should just hide in my house forever. I get really upset, full on crying, and beating myself up. Few minutes later i plateau, the tears dry up, it's not all bad, hey at least i didnt panic, right? I know my hearts fine, i was at clinic 8 days ago and i'm their golden boy, right? I have the most amazing, understanding girlfriend a man could ask for, right? 

So why the fuck am i so upset and feeling so inadequate?

I spoke afterwards with someone who has become a brilliant friend over the last few years. We use each other as a sounding board for when times are tough. We both said the same thing. The high profile suicide of Robin Williams had got to us both.

I've never been low enough to contemplate suicide, i'm too much of a coward anyway. But i've been low, i've been really low, i've been housebound with panic, i've been told more than once that i might not wake up tomorrow, and i've been clincally dead twice. So i can understand how people can feel so utterly useless that they will be better off dead. 

Ashamedly i have said that maybe i would have been better off not surviving 22 years ago. Which i know is utter bollocks, but depression & despair and dark monsters.

Robin's death played on my mind, especially feeling a bit low and shitty at the minute, and i think that contributed to todays episode. 

Someone who on the surface has it all, family, security, money, and still found it too much to cope with. What chance do we have?

Why do we feel useless? 

I feel useless because i always feel like i'm letting people down. My family, Azja, work. 

I feel useless because somedays the thought of eating in a restaurant has me wishing i could and run to the edge of the earth to get away from panic.

I feel useless because i always seem to have a health problem.

Reality?

I've survived 32 years when i barely survived being born. My family love me unconditionally, and no matter what, in their eyes i'm as normal as can be. If anything i exceed what they think i am capable off.

Azja loves me. For better or worse, she is right there, when i smile she smiles with me, when i'm down she lifts me up. And i would do the same for her in a heartbeat.

Work, can deal with it! And they do, magnificiently, i have good periods where i won't have a sick day for months on end, pulling extra shifts and running the show from open to close. Then, like now, i go home feeling great, and wake up making emergency appointments and being sicker than hopefully anyone at work will ever be.

So what if i'm anxious about restaurants? I knew a guy once who couldn't be in the same room as a baked bean - i shit you not! And with the hypnotherapy, the fear is virtuallly non existant!

Yes i have health problems! Christ i've had 6 massive open heart surgeries including a heart transplant, i've had slmost 60 surgeries in all, i've had cancer, i have a suppressed immune system that led to me catching meningitis from a friends vaccination!

But you know what? I'm still here. I wasn't born to live, but i was born to survive. I'm bloody good at it too!! 

So from now on, when times are shitty, and i feel like giving up, i'll remember one word:

BANGARANG

If you don't know this word, i strongly suggest you watch Hook. 

You aren't useless. I am not useless

WE are Human 

Back on track!

Afternoon! Few weeks since my last post and i've been feeling great!

I had a 4th session with www.sally-stubbs.com and worked out some more residual issues and i'm to report that a bbq, a breakfast at a cafe & a meal with Azja have all happened this week with no anxiety & lots of smiles!! Still work to do on confidence and thought pattern interruption but life is back in my control! 

My July stats for running took a beating though when i broke my toe about 3 weeks ago, so i'm currently well under target for 1000 miles in 2014.

I haven't stopped training though, i dusted off the Merida Ride Lite 93 and hit the road for some cycling! 

I hit a distance pb with my first ever 50 miler (previous best 30miles) followed by another 50 miler then a Strava segment smashing 30 miler earlier this week. After the 30 i was a bit concerned that it didn't feel like i'd really done much! Guess that's progress!

I threw a few small (1.5-3 mile) runs in but very steady and pretty painful on the toe until this week.

The day after the 30 miler on the bike i had agreed to meet my boss Byron (@byronodonnell88) and guide him up Skiddaw on a fell run. Skiddaw is one of the highest mountains in England, and the path is steep! 

Having not ran for about 3 weeks i power hiked / ran the trail that runs around Latrigg upto the car park below Skiddaw in order to warm up and engage running muscles! 

Surprisingly i was at the car park about a minute faster than usual! 

We hit Jenkins path and the slog began! Consistently the slowest mile of the ascent, a zig zagging rock track up the mountain, my legs were failing fast! It rained a little and we donned jackets as the wind picked up a little too.

The jog upto the gate below Little Man felt a little easier than normal, but i knew my legs were toast from the climb up! The track around Little Man ascended into the cloud and visibilty dropped to about 15 yards, with the wind whipping our jackets around us.

Thankfully the cloud obscured the final climb to the summit plateau and we made good time. Once we reached the summit plateau however we were exposed to the full force of the wind, which in 3 years of fell running was the strongest i have ever encountered. The wind blew straight across the plateau and made running fairly difficult! We forced on to the summit proper and quickly took a few pictures and a ridiculous video! It was 6 minutes slower than my pb to the summit, but in the conditions, my lack of running & 30 miles on the bike the day before, i was pretty happy! 

The descent is usually my forté as i am comfortable bombing face first down mountains but my toe was not happy! I had to reel it in a bit but took great pleasure in watching Byron gliding effortlessly down the fell. 

I first ran with Byron about 6 months ago, he was new to running having been an avid MTB rider & basketball player before that. We ran around derwentwater at a conversational pace and i gave him a few pointers, told him to watch a few videos to help with form and as always we talked trainers! 

He is now running several times a week and is really flying, his form has changed to a forefoot strike and his footsteps are light and quick. He has been truly bitten by the running bug and our runs now are constantly faster paced ( i'm buggered most of the time!!) and always talking about form, exercises to improve this or that, and future run plans and routes! 

                 Byron atop Skiddaw

          Me being me atop Skiddaw