In my last installment i had resolved the larger issue of my 9yo self being stuck in a T1 memory, and whilst this had improved things, i had started to feel super anxious & suffering dry heaving. Sally thought that there was possibly another T1 memory to resolve, which had been hidden by the initial problem.
I spent a week pretty much afraid to do anything, the dry heaving was coming on at the merest sign of anxiety, and i honestly thought, at times, that i'd made myself 10x worse than before!
Alas, the day came for the 3rd session, but instead of worry & nerves before the session, i was really excited to be there, and to move forward towards the goal of a better future.
I had been using the video (http://youtu.be/KTC6DPbY4hk) which had helped me discover the issues for previous sessions, but to no avail. I couldn't find or focus on any particular memory that would explain the new anxiety.
So Sally approached it differently this time. Describing a restaurant, a meal and the environment surrounding them had me instantly anxious, as eating out - even the thought, was enough to trigger the negative thoughts, and subsequent reaction.
Since the first 2 sessions however, there was no cognitive response, no fear in my mind, but there was still the physiological response. The hot flush of adrenaline, the shakiness, and the immediate need for the bathroom.
Suitably anxious Sally asked me to locate the anxiety. As often the case with me, in my stomach! Then she asked me what shape or physical presence the anxiety took, and to draw my stomach and draw on the shape and location of the anxiety within my stomach.
My anxiety was a flat 'disc' though not perfectly round, like a liquid boiling within a liquid (cant explain any better) and just below the top of the stomach, blocking the rest of my stomach.
Next she asked me to 'zoom' in on the disc, to what the colour was (reddish/purple) and what was on the surface. Now, bear in mind each person interprets things differently, and my imagination is pretty wild at the best of times!
On the disc were hundreds, thousands of little warriors all line up chanting and thrusting spears towards me (imagine the siege at helms deep in lord of the rings) Sally then asked me to search out what they wanted, which was to leave the disc and 'live' peacefully in what appeared to be a grassy meadow. In my mind therefore i built a bridge to this meadow, and off they went, nice and happy.
Back the disc and it was changing from the horizontal to vertical, and a space had appeared on the wall of my stomach to which it fit perfectly.
Obviously this sounds quite ridiculous, but i swear on my family the very second the disc was out of the way, my stomach instantly felt better than it had for years.
Once again Sally described the restaurant etc, and this time there were no effects or reactions.
This past week has been literally life changing. The negative thoughts (i can't cope, i will panic etc) are still there, as i have to retrain almost 10years of thoughts to positive! But there are no mental or physiological responses that lead to panic. I spent all day yesterday in different town and with eating out and only had negative thought, no upset stomach or needing to rush to bathroom, no blind panic to escape the situation, just a growing confidence.
Today Azja & I went for breakfast at a little café in Buttermere and again i had the negative thoughts that i am accustomed to, but i ate breakfast happily and rest of the day was relaxed and happy that i would not panic.
Sally very kindly loaded her Confidence & Self Esteem course onto a memory stick for me too, as i have little to no confidence in myself, and think very little of myself anyway, especially after years of battling this affliction. I also have material to follow in order to disrupt my negative thought patterns, and have positive thoughts instead.
On the whole i feel great going forward, i need to learn now to trust that i won't panic in trigger situations and become confident at them again, until it is just life as it should be!
I had 4.5 hours of therapy with Sally, opposed to 60+ with a pyschologist.
I know now i will not need the pyschologist again, as in 60+ hours of therapy i never even gained 5% of the resolution i have now.
I will hopefully stay in touch with Sally, she has changed my life for the better in ways i can't even begin to thank her for.
And remember, there is no need to hide mental health problems. You are certainly not alone, and there is hope, i am now proof of that. For 10 years i have been afraid of nothing, but such a fear can be more debilitating than any of the physical illness i have suffered.
Talk about it, get help, enjoy life.
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