Though this is more serious, potentially. On & off for years i've been retching/vomiting at very random times for no apparent reason. It's happening everyday now, and the dr's are looking at a problem possibly with my adrenal system & in particular cortisol levels. This issue would explain the retching/vomiting, general naseau, anxiety & panic i suffer (hypnotherapy has worked miracles on this front btw) and why sometimes i run/cycle like no tomorrow, and other times why i bonk after relatively little output.
I've often felt inadequate. Especially with the anxiety & panic, and anyone who has experienced either will most likely attest to this.
On Sunday i felt awful, i was so naseous that i was on the verge of making myself sick to feel better. Instead i took some anti sickness tablets & a gaviscon and flipped my dr the bird and went for a run. Running is my meditation, as it is for a lot of us on here, and even if i only managed a few hundred metres, at least it might alleviate the feelings for a few minutes. I ran 3 miles in a loop back the car, and felt fan-fucking-tastic. My head was more positive, and i ate my tea with a shovel.
Come monday there was no sickness.
I didnt run monday as i felt fine.
Tuesday i was retching again. Feeling trapped in my 4 walls of resting i set out again with the intention of see how i feel. Same three miles. Felt ok after, no retching today (wednesday)
Wheels in my head start turning. If i run the night before, i dont retch the next day? Coincidence? Adrenaline balancing?
Spoke to my dr today, my kidneys are working as well as normal (read - theyre fucked, but getting no worse) my blood count is normal, and thyroid is normal. Results for cortisol etc arent back. I explain carefully that i only went for a run to escape my head, not specifically to defy him, and that the next day i had no issues. When i didn't run, back to retching.
He suggests i run again today and report back tomorrow.
Bare in mind whatever this is has me sleeping 12 hours a night with a nap during the day, i'm not setting records nor am i anywhere near well.
So today i run, feel ok running, bit tired on the hill back to car (nothing flat here)
By the time i drive home (5mins) i feel shaky, naseous off the scale, faint and my head is in mega downfall mode. I feel useless, what's the point? Why me? I hate myself, what does Azja see in me? I should just hide in my house forever. I get really upset, full on crying, and beating myself up. Few minutes later i plateau, the tears dry up, it's not all bad, hey at least i didnt panic, right? I know my hearts fine, i was at clinic 8 days ago and i'm their golden boy, right? I have the most amazing, understanding girlfriend a man could ask for, right?
So why the fuck am i so upset and feeling so inadequate?
I spoke afterwards with someone who has become a brilliant friend over the last few years. We use each other as a sounding board for when times are tough. We both said the same thing. The high profile suicide of Robin Williams had got to us both.
I've never been low enough to contemplate suicide, i'm too much of a coward anyway. But i've been low, i've been really low, i've been housebound with panic, i've been told more than once that i might not wake up tomorrow, and i've been clincally dead twice. So i can understand how people can feel so utterly useless that they will be better off dead.
Ashamedly i have said that maybe i would have been better off not surviving 22 years ago. Which i know is utter bollocks, but depression & despair and dark monsters.
Robin's death played on my mind, especially feeling a bit low and shitty at the minute, and i think that contributed to todays episode.
Someone who on the surface has it all, family, security, money, and still found it too much to cope with. What chance do we have?
Why do we feel useless?
I feel useless because i always feel like i'm letting people down. My family, Azja, work.
I feel useless because somedays the thought of eating in a restaurant has me wishing i could and run to the edge of the earth to get away from panic.
I feel useless because i always seem to have a health problem.
Reality?
I've survived 32 years when i barely survived being born. My family love me unconditionally, and no matter what, in their eyes i'm as normal as can be. If anything i exceed what they think i am capable off.
Azja loves me. For better or worse, she is right there, when i smile she smiles with me, when i'm down she lifts me up. And i would do the same for her in a heartbeat.
Work, can deal with it! And they do, magnificiently, i have good periods where i won't have a sick day for months on end, pulling extra shifts and running the show from open to close. Then, like now, i go home feeling great, and wake up making emergency appointments and being sicker than hopefully anyone at work will ever be.
So what if i'm anxious about restaurants? I knew a guy once who couldn't be in the same room as a baked bean - i shit you not! And with the hypnotherapy, the fear is virtuallly non existant!
Yes i have health problems! Christ i've had 6 massive open heart surgeries including a heart transplant, i've had slmost 60 surgeries in all, i've had cancer, i have a suppressed immune system that led to me catching meningitis from a friends vaccination!
But you know what? I'm still here. I wasn't born to live, but i was born to survive. I'm bloody good at it too!!
So from now on, when times are shitty, and i feel like giving up, i'll remember one word:
BANGARANG
If you don't know this word, i strongly suggest you watch Hook.
You aren't useless. I am not useless
WE are Human
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