Stewin'

Following my feeling useless post i'm going to write quickly just to clear my thoughts. 

Friday was awful physically, saturday was better, this morning i almost felt normal for the first time in 16 days.

I got up, made food, even had a jog out in the woods. Nice long bath, minimal nausea. Tea watching footy, ham salad, nephew sat with me, had a hot flush - generally an indicator of panic - followed by the shakes and eventually chills.

Didn't panic in my head, but the obvious release of adrenaline (flush & shakes) pretty much ruined any appetite i had.

I went to lie down and just felt overwhelming sadness and tears flowed. I've only been ill/suffering for 2 weeks, but it feels like i'm always ill or anxious. 

I've never had a girlfriend and been ill like this. I've had colds, sickness bugs etc, but never something that we're chasing with tests etc. i don't know how to act or feel or what to say. I'm worried, who wouldnt be? And i'm sure Azja is, though she'd never admit it to me. I'm worried also that she's tired of my anxiety, of being ill often, worried that she stays, ashamedly, out of pity. 

I try to protect her, i've been putting on a brave face for her, but what if my 'protecting' is actually pushing her away?

If she was ill, how would i react? I'd be there, through hell & high water. Tough days, good days, indifferent days. I'd put my needs to the back to accomodate anything she needed. So why can't i see that she is the same?

Is it because i bring a history, and condition, of illness with me? I feel like maybe i cheated her, like 'look at this guy, 32, in shape, funny, loving caring' and she signs up, but the small print that nobody reads says 'damaged in transit, no refunds available' 

Is it selfish of me to feel that way? Or is it how all people bring health conditions into a relationship feel?

Am i upset because i feel lousy and the drs are idealess? Or am i upset because i feel like a burden? 

I know this, i love her wholeheartedly, i know that spending the rest of my life with her is what i want,i know this health issue will eventually be resolved, even though right now it feels like the end of my life as i know it. 

Probably last blog for a while. Deleting twitter from my phone & fb too, accounts will remain active but i wont be on much if at all, need to concentrate on getting well. 

Thankyou all for your support