Panic Stations

Evening all,

Once again, apologies for my inability to blog more frequently! I've had a good few weeks though, running wise and in my head!
On the running front i've started doing some 400m interval sessions to try and improve my speed ahead of competing for a place on the Great Britain Transplant Games Team in August. Which will hopefully see me on a plane to Argentina in 2015 to compete at the World Transplant Games. As I'm not hugely competitive apart from against myself, this will be a big test for me! The chance to rock up in a GB kit is pretty inspiring though, so i will run my socks off to get selected!
This month i have also made a return to proper fell running, April & May were basically just building back up from a poor March due to illness. I knocked 1'59 off my Skiddaw ascent time this week, despite being fairly ill on the way up! I'm fairly confident my goal ascent time will fall this summer too, as i felt strong this week despite the setbacks. I'm also on course to hit the 100 mile month again, and will be just short of 500 miles this year by the end of the month, but i'm fairly confident i can easily make up the deficit to finish 2014 on over 1000 miles which was my goal this year.

Personally i have taken a 'leap of faith' with the treatment of my panic attacks. After almost 2 years of seeing the transplant unit psychologist i was becoming dismayed with the lack of progress. It seemed to me that all it was doing was allowing me to recover from the panic, but not actually stopping the panics from working. I began to look into hypnotherapy & psychotherapy as another avenue to pursue.
I found a highly recommended hypnotherapist who had been in practice since the mid eighties, and she lived locally too, which would help as my panics usually appear when away from home.
I wrote her an email explaining when i panic, where it usually happens and the almost debilitating effect it was having on my life. She responded very quickly and we set up a phone chat to discuss the issue more in depth and to talk about treatment etc.

In the first 60 minute phone call she had done what the psychologist had never done, and that was find the root of the panics. Turns out my initial panic had been as a 9 year old, in hospital, on bonfire night where i could quite vividly remember hanging onto the bed for dear life whilst nurses tried to calm me down, to no avail. I will never know what triggered the event, but it left me with a T-1 memory.
Basically something happened which got me upset and very worried, and the brain in an effort to protect itself calls time at a particular point, where it decides that the very next moment will be too much to handle, so it launches in fight or flight, AKA panic! My panics now are triggered now by my brain reaching this same point and my reflex reaction is to panic, as that is what my brain has programmed itself to do.
Treatment therefore would work on resolving this 'moment' and then the brain won't revert to the default setting of panic.
The first advice she gave me was to watch a video from her youtube account, which somehow accesses your subconscious and begins to work of your conflict. The first time i watched it i was very much focused on the little boy in the hospital bed, but oddly i wasn't seeing it from the boys point of view, i was watching myself from above. During the video, listening to the monologue i had a vision of falling onto a comfy bed, as i was about to make contact a huge black shape came rushing into my consciousness and actually caused a panic, despite the fact i was happily laying on the bed in no danger whatsoever. The oddest part was that despite the panic attack, i didn't worry, i just let it wash over me.
I listened and continue to listen to the video each evening, after a few days however, my perspective of watching the boy in hospital changed to seeing the same scenario from the point of view of the boy, myself at 9 years old.

Before we spoke on the phone for a 2nd time i went for a meal with my girlfriend, normally a tense affair with my near constant anxiety of having a panic overshadowing the meal. This time however i was able to sit and eat the meal comfortably, and left the restaurant with a feeling of elation, if the video could help this much, maybe the hypnotherapy itself would be massively beneficial??

What goes up, must come down however, and the following week i decided i would have breakfast at a little cafe in the sunshine, and spent the whole time fighting the urge to leave as the prospect of panic crept up on me once more.

The first session.
I won't lie, i was cacking my myself walking into the session. Though i'd researched hypnotherapy i had no idea what would happen, would i be put to sleep? would she induce a panic? would i be able to sit there without panic long enough to achieve anything??
First off, you don't go to sleep! apparently that method of hypnotherapy merely hides the problem even deeper, instead of solving it. And inducing a panic is not part of the process either!
She did some simple association activities, i had to write, or draw what i thought immediately after she gave me a scenario.
The first being, what i saw or felt about my birth. The second, what i saw or felt about my perfect future. Finally, what i saw or felt about the panic attacks. Then i had to choose where in the room each of these images/words belonged in the room. The birth felt comfortable in the window, the future was down by the river in her garden and the panic was hidden behind her desk, where i couldn't see it. Already quite a powerful visual tool as to how i felt about the panic.
She then asked questions about the birth, what i knew instinctively about my own birth. Then about the future, why i had chosen to place it near the river and not in the room - i could see it, but it was still a little ways away. Finally she asked how i felt about the panic. Immediately i said i wanted to destroy it, and boom! in that instant i just burst into tears, from absolutely no where, and my whole body, especially my legs and feet felt immensely heavy, to point where i didn't feel i could i move my feet even if i wanted to. The surge of emotion was incredible, and took me 5-10 minutes to start to come round from it. It felt like my body had been encased in brickwork and i had finally broken it, until it was just debris around my feet.
I can't properly explain the feelings, but the power of them was incredible, and i couldn't believe that they had come from absolutely no where, like a train just smashing into you! i was physically tired from it.
She then asked about the placements of the scenarios again. The birth stayed in place. The future came into the room, and within touching distance. The panic came out from behind the desk, and started to make its way out of the room.
At this point i had to stop, i had nothing left, i was mentally, emotionally and physically drained, but she was happy with the progress for the first session!
The past week since the first session i have started to notice differences. I still have the thoughts of 'right i'm going to be anxious' but i have none of the physical reactions, and my brain doesn't go into panic mode, even though i am still expecting it! In my book that is a whopping step forward and even though i still fear i will be anxious, i'm slowly learning that i don't need to be afraid of that, and trying to build my confidence back up.

I have a second session in 2 days time, which she says will probably be enough to resolve the issue completely. 

Onwards to the 2nd session, then hopefully a fun filled and happy future, no longer constrained by the fears of panic.

Mt1010v2

Quicky blog about the shoes i've been mostly wearing the last couple of months!

A long time advocate of the New Balance Minimus range i was excited to receive the MT1010v2 shoes. With a 4mm heel-toe drop and a grippy Vibram outsole, they sounded perfect for technical rocky paths and longer distance trails.

My first run out in them was along the shore paths & trails alongside Derwentwater in Keswick. 

First impressions were very impressive, super lightweight, nice fit around the midfoot and heel and plenty of room in the toe box. 

The cushioning, despite being minimalist, is enough to cope with longer runs, 16 miles is the furthest i've ran in them so far, and the rockplate is, as ever, great on the more rugged trails.

A definite must have in the minimalist trail, fell & mountain runners arsenal this summer, and a great transition shoe for those looking to add minimalist footwear & running to their training. 

#noStigma

As i've mentioned before, all my blogs tend to come at periods of my life where i am struggling. This one is no different.

The past 6 months have been pretty much great! My running is seeing improvements almost weekly, my confidence in myself is growing, i have a truly amazing girlfriend who has also started running and my health, bar a hiccup in March has been great.

My anxiety has been very much under control, and my transplant unit psychologist has been astounded at my progress, and my ability to force myself into uncomfortable situations in order to fight my anxiety. 

Azja's birthday coincided with a check up at the transplant cljnic, so we decided to head to the appointment, then we would head to Whitley Bay for lunch and a walk along the sea front, and then laptop shopping.

The morning started as always at 4:45am as i have to be at clinic for 7am. The drive through was uneventful, bar a spectacular sunrise as we headed east. As we arrived at hospital, as always, i needed the bathroom, a common reaction to any anxiety for millions of people. I signed in to clinic and we took our seats in the waiting area. 

At this point i felt fine, talking with Azja and watching the hospital come to life. 

Out of absolutely nowhere i started with the hot flush that accompanies a sudden burst of adrenaline - panic. I told Azja straight away as this isn't massively out of the norm, and i can usually shut it down almost as fast as it starts. This time however i couldn't stop it. 

It's probably important at this point to mention that i was in a panic about absolutely nothing. Nothing! The only real thought accompanying it was to go outside. Which i tried repeatedly to no avail. A brief respite came, at the expense of another patient who almost collapsed from BP issues, who i rushed to catch & hold until a wheelchair came. 

I mentioned to the clinic nurse that i was panicky for some reason and she took me straight in to the obs room, and took BP and pulse. BP was lower than normal for hospital visit, and pulse was barely clearing 60bpm, clear unrefutable evidence that absolutely fuck all is going inside my body, and it is all in the mind. After regular blood tests were taken we headed outside to the car so i could take a couple of kalms tablets. Whether these are pyscological or actually effective is anyones guess, but they have helped previously. We headed to the canteen to grab some food to take outside, thinking the early start and no breakfast might be behind the panic. Two small mouthfuls into a sausage sandwhich i started retching. I know why though, in panic/anxiety, your body is prepared for fight or flight, digestion shuts down to send more blood to the legs etc to prepare for war. 

At this point however i started to feel like a horrible person for bringing Azja into this world of pain & suffering, that it is selfish of me, and that she deserves better from life than to be stuck with this medical reprobate who is panicking about nothing, but can't stop! 

I know of course that this is utter bullshit, that if roles were reversed i would be stood next to her supporting her with my love & patience and she was with me, with no thoughts of wanting anyone else or wanting someone 'better'

We headed back inside for the ECG but literally seconds after sitting in the waiting room i had to escape, making it about 30mtrs before a physio caught hold of a very distraught and upset me and guided me into a curtained off cubicle in the physio dept.

I was scared now, not for several years had anything this bad happened. I couldn't seem to get a grip on anything, except that something other than panic was at play. The physio called across to the transplant clinic and the Sister of the clinic, Mary, came across to get me. I was feeling pretty lightheaded and not too steady on my feet so she wheeled me back in a wheelchair! 

Back at clinic they ran extra tests, and studied the xrays & ECG to no avail, it was just panic.

I was feeling calmer by the end of the appointment, pissed off that i had ruined Azjas birthday though, with plans to head straight home. 

Driving away from the hospital however i decided i wouldn't give in. I wouldn't run home and hide away, i would continue to fight this bastard affliction, and i would fucking win!

We headed to the Metro Centre (huge mall in the UK) to buy Azja a new computer for her birthday, under the agreement that if i felt panicky we hightailed it out of there!

We had a good 2 hour walk around the Metro, spent some money and bought some lunch. Though we ate lunch in the car, not wanting to push too many buttons! 

The rest of the day was fine and without any issues. 

This morning however i instigated the anxiety myself by dwelling on yesterdays events, and not the good parts. Filling my head with fears that the panics were back and life would once again be filled with fear.

Azja has been amazing, and i'm trying not to think stupid thoughts about her wanting someone better or resenting the way i am. 

A fear of nothing. So why are we afraid? 

Fighting On

Once again a while since i blogged! 

Today found me north of the Border, in Scotland, with my buddy Mark for a taste of trailrunning in his neck of the woods.

I was, as usual, pretty anxious headed up there, the usual doubts and anxieties trying to convince me against going! 

I'm finding that whilst still anxious in new situations, or out of my comfort zones, i'm coping much better, and felt quite relaxed shortly after arriving.

The run itself was 12 miles of field, trail & fell running, with the highest point on Penchrise.

I really struggled with the ascents and the distance today, having been hospitalised with a severe infection a few weeks ago, a strained muscle in my shin and a recent kidney infection that is just clearing up! Mark had also been pretty ill last week with norovirus, and was still sweating out the lingering effects! 

When i returned home i went for a meal with my girlfriend. Meals out are a big trigger of anxiety and panic for me, so i figured after the anxiety of being away & running etc, it would be good to really push myself. Gladly the meal was perfect, the foam roller session when i got home wasnt!

A great day on the trails with Mark, and another big step towards banishing my undue anxieties 👍

Photo: Mark Lyons

Sunglasses

Hello readers :-) bit of a different blog today. Most of you know that i work for a national outdoor store (@blacks_online) and as a very active end user of our products, i was asked to do a test & review of the Adidas TERREX fast sunglasses. 

Firstly, all of these views are my own, the glasses are on loan, and i recieve no reward for testing and reporting back. 

Plus there'll be some running craic ;-) 

Adidas TERREX fast

The glasses come in a tough hard shell case, with the option of using a cloth pouch to save space and weight. They come with two lenses, regular 100% uv protection lense, and an antifog lens, with Light Stabilization Technology. Both scratch & impact resistant.

The glasses break down in seperate parts easily, and swopping out the lenses, or changing from the arms to the elasticated, helmet compatible, head band. 

The removable inner is vented with Climacool technology, and has a soft foam bumper for comfort, and for wicking sweat. 

The arms are built on TRI.FIT technology, which allows you to change the angle for a perfect custom fit. I found this really useful, as apparently my head is mega wonky!!

So how are they? 

Luckily the first chance i got to test them it was actually sunny!! First impressions was that they were very big on my face, but after 1/2 mile i was impressed with the range of vision that the bigger lenses afforded me. 

I was surprised with the lack of movement whilst running, bobbing along uneven ground usually moves sunglasses quite a bit, while they weren't stuck fast, i didnt notice any movement. 

The only drawback whilst running was the lower edge of the glasses blocked any vision of your feet (remember though i take short steps as a forefooter, so not throwing my leg forward) and on technical footing it did get a bit sketchy! 

All in all on the first run i was pretty impressed, they also fit quite easily into a chest pocket and my shorts pocket, and light enough not to notice!

Second Test 

Obviously these glasses are designed for multiple uses, so myself and a colleague (@parki228) headed to the wintry conditions on the fells to see how they faired! 

The weather was awful. Pouring with rain before we left car, not ideal for testing sunglasses! 

We made our way to Blea Tarn on Red Pike, then up into Chapel Crags, to find some snow!

The gullies were still in pretty decent shape with 3-5ft of snow at least, perfect for testing the glasses. 

These glasses are really at home in the snow! The headband is super comfy and holds the glasses comfortably on your face, and the ClimaCool ventilation aids the anti-fogging massively. 

It was still pouring down, and spin drift was blowing down the gully, thankfully the glasses, pretty much in goggle mode, meant that neither were an issue, allowing us to see perfectly whilst climbing the gully.

Verdict:

In the fells, especially in the snow, these  lightweight glasses, which you can make into a goggle, are absolutely perfect. Comfortable, due to the foam padding, and pretty much unnoticeable due to the weight, they're a great addition to a fell runners pack, and indeed hillwalkers and mountaineers. Being impact resistant is a nice bonus too, as not everything goes to plan in the hills! A successful summit of K2 was made in the same model - no easy feat! 

Flat out running they were comfortable but a little on the big side for me, and i do prefer rimless, purely for vision on the technical trail & scree that i tend to run on.

A day on the bike would have been nice, as i feel they would be perfect.

The ability to change lenses or the arms to headband so quickly is a major advantage, as are the adjustable angles on the arms! 

For people looking for a pair of glasses to cover everything though, you can't go wrong with these, they are very adaptable to every activity, and removing the inner framework leaves them looking good for casual use/driving. 

Little by little

Yesterday marked another significant improvement in my running. I have a 5k route with just under 200ft of ascent that i run regularly, either as recovery runs after longer days out, or when i have little time left in the day. 

The first time i ran it, towards the end of 2013, it took me around 35minutes. Which was a sure sign of my ability to plod along at a snails pace! I took little comfort in the knowledge that the route includes crossing 2 main roads and 6 stiles & gates. I set my sights on sub 30.

Slowly i worked my average time down to around 32/33 minutes, still feeling slow. My PB had improved to just under 31mins. 

I January i lowered my PB again to just over 30 minutes, and my average was now sub 31, no matter the conditions (a mile of swamp like fields, sometimes waist deep in flood water) or how tired my legs were on recovery runs. 

Yesterday i woke from a nap (don't judge, i'm on a weeks holiday!) and felt the urge to run. Nothing felt particularly different, and by the start of mile 3, the constant glue like mud was tiring my legs quickly.

I got home and stopped my watch, 29'52! A new PB by 26seconds and the first sub 30 on the route! 

Still slow for 3 miles for a lot of people out there, but a great achievement for me! 

Sights firmly set on sub 29 now!

January Recap

Hello! 2 blogs in 2 days i hear you cry! Just a quicky today to recap January for all you stat lovers! 

17 runs

100.95 miles

17'880ft of ascent

Avg 5.9miles per run

Avg 177ft per mile

Beaten quite a few of my pb's and reset new targets accordingly, even scoring a pb this morning on what was supposedly a recovery run after Wednesdays 16miler! 

February needs more ascent! 

Thanks for the continued support! 

Onwards & Upwards