Happy New Year

This post was intended to be published yesterday (New Years Day) but I knew I was at the hospital today, and wanted to open up about another condition that I suffer from.
Throughout my post-transplant life I have suffered infrequent panic attacks. Often only occurring maybe once in 4-5 years and not really an issue. In 2004 there was a new drug for immunosuppressant therapy introduced which had a less damaging effect on the other organs in the body, primarily the kidneys, which take an absolute beating trying to clean my blood!
A few weeks after swapping out my usual medication for the new one I was driving to a nearby city with a friend for a bit of lunch and some shopping. On the way I had a panic attack, nothing major, I knew what it was, and duly pulled the car off the road, got out for some fresh air and to calm down, and then carried on my way. Continuing the drive I went on to suffer 7 more, progressively worse panic attacks, resulting in leaving the car in the nearest car park and hi-tailing it to the hospital fearing that something worse was at play.
2 weeks in hospital getting poked, prodded and tested for even random ailments proved nothing was wrong, even having panic attacks whilst hooked up to various monitors and machines couldn't figure out why I was suddenly so besieged by them.
It was decided it was the new medication, so I was swapped back to the old faithful medication that had been fine for 12 years! The bad news however, was that I was now afraid of panic attacks, and able to bring them on myself simply by worrying about having one!
They got so bad in the following months that I couldn't return to work, and even struggled to leave the house alone sometimes for fear of having one. The stupid thing is, I knew they did no harm, I'd been on cardiac monitors whilst in the throes of them and seen with my own eyes that they were causing no reaction!
If you have never experienced a panic attack, it can be difficult to understand them, certainly trying to explain to my friends what they were and the effect that they had proved difficult. I will try to describe how awful they were though:
Initially there is a very brief, fleeting negative thought which kicks off the whole episode, for some its claustrophobia, for me it's generally being sick in public. I have a phobia of being sick due to a nasty experience with a ventilator in the hours after my transplant! This tiny, fleeting thought kicks off the 'fight or flight' response in steroid abuse mode, and your nerves start firing off around your body to prepare for war, adding physical distress to the growing mental anguish. Back in 2004, the mental anguish was horrendous, once the panic had set in, I was convinced I was going to die! Quite scary and very irrational, but the mind is a powerful weapon. Your mind is screaming at you to get the hell out of whatever situation you are in (restaurants are a weak point for me) and this reverts to fight or flight.
The physical manifestations can vary person to person, heart seemingly pounding in your chest, a tightness which makes you feel like you can't breathe, hot flushes, shaking uncontrollably, vomiting, the need to evacuate bowels immediately and in some cases passing out.
Not a nice situation to be in, and it happens within seconds/minutes of the initial, single, negative thought.
I struggled massively in 2004/5 like I said, eventually needing anxiety medications to get a handle on it. By the end 2005 however I had them pretty much beat, got a new job and life was peachy again for several years!
The last 18-24 months however I started to suffer again, not to the same degree of panic or fear, but enough to make going for meals and weekends away uncomfortable, and for me to question myself as to why I was different, why couldn't I cope?
I would be at work and watching people who were on holiday, asking myself  'Why aren't they anxious or panicky?' I didn't know it at the time, but I was beating myself up mentally. I wasn't questioning them, I was questioning my own abilities.

In the last 2 years I found running to be therapeutic not only as it was helping me stay healthy and working my heart, but I found that despite being off in the mountains, often with little more than some water and a few energy gels, I was calm.
Sure a lot of the time I'm blowing out my arse, my heart is pounding through my ribcage and my legs are screaming at me to find a hobby that involves a lot of sitting down! but I'm at peace in my own head, just one foot in front of the other, watching the ground and picking my footfalls. I see the majesty in where I live, and hopefully if you've seen any of my photo's you will agree!
Out on a run there is only me, there is no pressure to perform or conform to anyone else's ideals or standards. In an environment where most of my friends will admit to feeling vulnerable, I am free of the fears and anxieties that occur to me in daily life, which they do not have!
My runs aren't record setting, my distances don't beggar belief, but they're mine all the same. No one else can run for you, and I'm pretty certain most of you reading this will agree that the time spent out running is special to each of us. I have had fantastic runs in all types of weather, be it in shoes and shorts and nothing else in summer, to wrapped up like an Inuit freezing the jewels off atop a mountain in the dark with snow knee deep!
I don't run because the sun shines and it'll be nice and easy, I run to centre myself and to be free from daily life. I am currently seeing a transplant specific psychologist to help with my anxiety, and it is working, and she thinks that running is the my way forward.
My panic/anxieties are nothing like they were in 2004, not even close! I know they are irrational and I know for the most part that even if that little negative thought creeps into my psyche I can suppress it and carry on.
Restaurants and weekends away are still on my weak list, but I don't give in, I still go for meals with friends, and still have nights and weekends away with them, so what if I struggle a bit? so what if I don't finish my meal or go back to the hotel early? I'm alive, I've fought tooth and nail to make it this far against far worse adversaries, and at the end of the day, if they do become too much, I have about 20 pairs of running shoes to choose from, lace up and bugger off for a run!!

My run drought is also over! having ran the past 3 days, a 3.5 mile hilly mud fest! a quick flat mile around town and this afternoon I did 3.7 miles on what can only be described as mud with the odd puddle of water! No records broken, no strava segments set, just me, the ground and the world around me, and man it feels good!

Happy New Year Folks!