Feeling Useless

I'm ill. Again. 

Though this is more serious, potentially. On & off for years i've been retching/vomiting at very random times for no apparent reason. It's happening everyday now, and the dr's are looking at a problem possibly with my adrenal system & in particular cortisol levels. This issue would explain the retching/vomiting, general naseau, anxiety & panic i suffer (hypnotherapy has worked miracles on this front btw) and why sometimes i run/cycle like no tomorrow, and other times why i bonk after relatively little output. 

I've often felt inadequate. Especially with the anxiety & panic, and anyone who has experienced either will most likely attest to this. 

On Sunday i felt awful, i was so naseous that i was on the verge of making myself sick to feel better. Instead i took some anti sickness tablets & a gaviscon and flipped my dr the bird and went for a run. Running is my meditation, as it is for a lot of us on here, and even if i only managed a few hundred metres, at least it might alleviate the feelings for a few minutes. I ran 3 miles in a loop back the car, and felt fan-fucking-tastic. My head was more positive, and i ate my tea with a shovel.

Come monday there was no sickness.

I didnt run monday as i felt fine.

Tuesday i was retching again. Feeling trapped in my 4 walls of resting i set out again with the intention of see how i feel. Same three miles. Felt ok after, no retching today (wednesday)

Wheels in my head start turning. If i run the night before, i dont retch the next day? Coincidence? Adrenaline balancing? 

Spoke to my dr today, my kidneys are working as well as normal (read - theyre fucked, but getting no worse) my blood count is normal, and thyroid is normal. Results for cortisol etc arent back. I explain carefully that i only went for a run to escape my head, not specifically to defy him, and that the next day i had no issues. When i didn't run, back to retching. 

He suggests i run again today and report back tomorrow. 

Bare in mind whatever this is has me sleeping 12 hours a night with a nap during the day, i'm not setting records nor am i anywhere near well.

So today i run, feel ok running, bit tired on the hill back to car (nothing flat here)

By the time i drive home (5mins) i feel shaky, naseous off the scale, faint and my head is in mega downfall mode. I feel useless, what's the point? Why me? I hate myself, what does Azja see in me? I should just hide in my house forever. I get really upset, full on crying, and beating myself up. Few minutes later i plateau, the tears dry up, it's not all bad, hey at least i didnt panic, right? I know my hearts fine, i was at clinic 8 days ago and i'm their golden boy, right? I have the most amazing, understanding girlfriend a man could ask for, right? 

So why the fuck am i so upset and feeling so inadequate?

I spoke afterwards with someone who has become a brilliant friend over the last few years. We use each other as a sounding board for when times are tough. We both said the same thing. The high profile suicide of Robin Williams had got to us both.

I've never been low enough to contemplate suicide, i'm too much of a coward anyway. But i've been low, i've been really low, i've been housebound with panic, i've been told more than once that i might not wake up tomorrow, and i've been clincally dead twice. So i can understand how people can feel so utterly useless that they will be better off dead. 

Ashamedly i have said that maybe i would have been better off not surviving 22 years ago. Which i know is utter bollocks, but depression & despair and dark monsters.

Robin's death played on my mind, especially feeling a bit low and shitty at the minute, and i think that contributed to todays episode. 

Someone who on the surface has it all, family, security, money, and still found it too much to cope with. What chance do we have?

Why do we feel useless? 

I feel useless because i always feel like i'm letting people down. My family, Azja, work. 

I feel useless because somedays the thought of eating in a restaurant has me wishing i could and run to the edge of the earth to get away from panic.

I feel useless because i always seem to have a health problem.

Reality?

I've survived 32 years when i barely survived being born. My family love me unconditionally, and no matter what, in their eyes i'm as normal as can be. If anything i exceed what they think i am capable off.

Azja loves me. For better or worse, she is right there, when i smile she smiles with me, when i'm down she lifts me up. And i would do the same for her in a heartbeat.

Work, can deal with it! And they do, magnificiently, i have good periods where i won't have a sick day for months on end, pulling extra shifts and running the show from open to close. Then, like now, i go home feeling great, and wake up making emergency appointments and being sicker than hopefully anyone at work will ever be.

So what if i'm anxious about restaurants? I knew a guy once who couldn't be in the same room as a baked bean - i shit you not! And with the hypnotherapy, the fear is virtuallly non existant!

Yes i have health problems! Christ i've had 6 massive open heart surgeries including a heart transplant, i've had slmost 60 surgeries in all, i've had cancer, i have a suppressed immune system that led to me catching meningitis from a friends vaccination!

But you know what? I'm still here. I wasn't born to live, but i was born to survive. I'm bloody good at it too!! 

So from now on, when times are shitty, and i feel like giving up, i'll remember one word:

BANGARANG

If you don't know this word, i strongly suggest you watch Hook. 

You aren't useless. I am not useless

WE are Human 

Back on track!

Afternoon! Few weeks since my last post and i've been feeling great!

I had a 4th session with www.sally-stubbs.com and worked out some more residual issues and i'm to report that a bbq, a breakfast at a cafe & a meal with Azja have all happened this week with no anxiety & lots of smiles!! Still work to do on confidence and thought pattern interruption but life is back in my control! 

My July stats for running took a beating though when i broke my toe about 3 weeks ago, so i'm currently well under target for 1000 miles in 2014.

I haven't stopped training though, i dusted off the Merida Ride Lite 93 and hit the road for some cycling! 

I hit a distance pb with my first ever 50 miler (previous best 30miles) followed by another 50 miler then a Strava segment smashing 30 miler earlier this week. After the 30 i was a bit concerned that it didn't feel like i'd really done much! Guess that's progress!

I threw a few small (1.5-3 mile) runs in but very steady and pretty painful on the toe until this week.

The day after the 30 miler on the bike i had agreed to meet my boss Byron (@byronodonnell88) and guide him up Skiddaw on a fell run. Skiddaw is one of the highest mountains in England, and the path is steep! 

Having not ran for about 3 weeks i power hiked / ran the trail that runs around Latrigg upto the car park below Skiddaw in order to warm up and engage running muscles! 

Surprisingly i was at the car park about a minute faster than usual! 

We hit Jenkins path and the slog began! Consistently the slowest mile of the ascent, a zig zagging rock track up the mountain, my legs were failing fast! It rained a little and we donned jackets as the wind picked up a little too.

The jog upto the gate below Little Man felt a little easier than normal, but i knew my legs were toast from the climb up! The track around Little Man ascended into the cloud and visibilty dropped to about 15 yards, with the wind whipping our jackets around us.

Thankfully the cloud obscured the final climb to the summit plateau and we made good time. Once we reached the summit plateau however we were exposed to the full force of the wind, which in 3 years of fell running was the strongest i have ever encountered. The wind blew straight across the plateau and made running fairly difficult! We forced on to the summit proper and quickly took a few pictures and a ridiculous video! It was 6 minutes slower than my pb to the summit, but in the conditions, my lack of running & 30 miles on the bike the day before, i was pretty happy! 

The descent is usually my forté as i am comfortable bombing face first down mountains but my toe was not happy! I had to reel it in a bit but took great pleasure in watching Byron gliding effortlessly down the fell. 

I first ran with Byron about 6 months ago, he was new to running having been an avid MTB rider & basketball player before that. We ran around derwentwater at a conversational pace and i gave him a few pointers, told him to watch a few videos to help with form and as always we talked trainers! 

He is now running several times a week and is really flying, his form has changed to a forefoot strike and his footsteps are light and quick. He has been truly bitten by the running bug and our runs now are constantly faster paced ( i'm buggered most of the time!!) and always talking about form, exercises to improve this or that, and future run plans and routes! 

                 Byron atop Skiddaw

          Me being me atop Skiddaw

Hypnotherapy part 3

Evening all, it's been a week since my last hypnotherapy session with Sally (http://www.sally-stubbs.com) and i feel it is right to continue my series of blogs about my experience.

In my last installment i had resolved the larger issue of my 9yo self being stuck in a T1 memory, and whilst this had improved things, i had started to feel super anxious & suffering dry heaving. Sally thought that there was possibly another T1 memory to resolve, which had been hidden by the initial problem.

I spent a week pretty much afraid to do anything, the dry heaving was coming on at the merest sign of anxiety, and i honestly thought, at times, that i'd made myself 10x worse than before!

Alas, the day came for the 3rd session, but instead of worry & nerves before the session, i was really excited to be there, and to move forward towards the goal of a better future. 

I had been using the video (http://youtu.be/KTC6DPbY4hk) which had helped me discover the issues for previous sessions, but to no avail. I couldn't find or focus on any particular memory that would explain the new anxiety. 

So Sally approached it differently this time. Describing a restaurant, a meal and the environment surrounding them had me instantly anxious, as eating out - even the thought, was enough to trigger the negative thoughts, and subsequent reaction. 

Since the first 2 sessions however, there was no cognitive response, no fear in my mind, but there was still the physiological response. The hot flush of adrenaline, the shakiness, and the immediate need for the bathroom. 

Suitably anxious Sally asked me to locate the anxiety. As often the case with me, in my stomach! Then she asked me what shape or physical presence the anxiety took, and to draw my stomach and draw on the shape and location of the anxiety within my stomach.

My anxiety was a flat 'disc' though not perfectly round, like a liquid boiling within a liquid (cant explain any better) and just below the top of the stomach, blocking the rest of my stomach. 

Next she asked me to 'zoom' in on the disc, to what the colour was (reddish/purple) and what was on the surface. Now, bear in mind each person interprets things differently, and my imagination is pretty wild at the best of times!

On the disc were hundreds, thousands of little warriors all line up chanting and thrusting spears towards me (imagine the siege at helms deep in lord of the rings) Sally then asked me to search out what they wanted, which was to leave the disc and 'live' peacefully in what appeared to be a grassy meadow. In my mind therefore i built a bridge to this meadow, and off they went, nice and happy.

Back the disc and it was changing from the horizontal to vertical, and a space had appeared on the wall of my stomach to which it fit perfectly.

Obviously this sounds quite ridiculous, but i swear on my family the very second the disc was out of the way, my stomach instantly felt better than it had for years.

Once again Sally described the restaurant etc, and this time there were no effects or reactions.

This past week has been literally life changing. The negative thoughts (i can't cope, i will panic etc) are still there, as i have to retrain almost 10years of thoughts to positive! But there are no mental or physiological responses that lead to panic. I spent all day yesterday in different town and with eating out and only had negative thought, no upset stomach or needing to rush to bathroom, no blind panic to escape the situation, just a growing confidence.

Today Azja & I went for breakfast at a little café in Buttermere and again i had the negative thoughts that i am accustomed to, but i ate breakfast happily and rest of the day was relaxed and happy that i would not panic. 

Sally very kindly loaded her Confidence & Self Esteem course onto a memory stick for me too, as i have little to no confidence in myself, and think very little of myself anyway, especially after years of battling this affliction. I also have material to follow in order to disrupt my negative thought patterns, and have positive thoughts instead.

On the whole i feel great going forward, i need to learn now to trust that i won't panic in trigger situations and become confident at them again, until it is just life as it should be! 

I had 4.5 hours of therapy with Sally, opposed to 60+ with a pyschologist. 

I know now i will not need the pyschologist again, as in 60+ hours of therapy i never even gained 5% of the resolution i have now. 

I will hopefully stay in touch with Sally, she has changed my life for the better in ways i can't even begin to thank her for. 

And remember, there is no need to hide mental health problems. You are certainly not alone, and there is hope, i am now proof of that. For 10 years i have been afraid of nothing, but such a fear can be more debilitating than any of the physical illness i have suffered. 

Talk about it, get help, enjoy life.

Hypnotherapy Pt 2

Following on from my last post, about my first session with a hypnotherapist, this blog will focus on the 2nd session and the days following it.

We started by placing the pieces of paper for birth, future and panic around the room, though the positions from the 1st session were completely different. 

My 'birth' was at the back of the room, no longer in the window, my 'future' was inside the room right next to me, again no longer in the window. Panic (9yo me) had moved out from behind the desk and was making its way to the window. 

The new placements felt good, supporting the 'panic' and giving it a clear run to the window, freedom-resolution.

As i said in the 1st post it is the memory of the 9yo me that is the root of my panic as an adult, a memory that has become stuck in psyche that needed to be released.

As we worked through the session the imagery in my head was of myself as an adult, standing next to myself as the 9 year old, in a corridor leading into light. Both 'people' felt like they wanted to step into the light - resolution, but neither could take the first step without the other. I was in this 'place' for quite a while when it started to change, the corridor and light became clouds, with a pool in the middle, where we were laughing. The water started swirling and we went down through a pipe into another pool. This happened 3 more times, until we exited the 4th pipe and there was nothing.

I opened my eyes, and felt free i guess! The paper signifying the panic was no longer in the room (in my head) and i couldnt see it anywhere, it had been resolved. 

Once again i was absolutely worn out by the episode, and spent the afternoon chilling out in the sun with Azja.

It felt nice to be free, and when i tried to envisage my 9yo self in the hospital bed, i know longer saw a terrified boy holding the bed rails, i had rolled over to sleep.

The next two days felt great, and i was starting to believe that after all this time i had finally gotten rid of this affliction.

The Monday however, i awoke with alot of anxiety, on the plus side however, i didn't panic. The anxiety i felt was severe enough to have previously sent me into a massive panic, and whilst i had some of the phsyiological effects, they were kind of muted.

I went to work regardless and eventually started feeling more relaxed as the day wore on.

That evening i had planned to go for a meal with Azja, and i was determined to at least try. Bearing in mind that a morning that bad would have normally had me hiding for the rest of the day!

We went for the meal, and i was fine, better than fine, until the main course came, and then i began to worry that the hypnotherapy might not have worked. I didnt panic though, or have the usual 'get the hell out' anxiety.

After the meal we had to drive to Manchester Airport to pick up a friend, again a huge aske after the rest of the day, but it went fine!! I was feeling good!

Yesterday (Wednesday, i was feeling anxious for most of the day, about what i have no idea, it was just there.

Today i awoke and had the adrenaline rush associated with panic, once again it felt muted but it really got to me. I felt utterly useless and worthless, and generally fucked off with the world!!

I spoke to my hypnotherapist, fearing that  by resolving one issue, i had opened a shitstorm of other issues. 

Her explanation however made me see sense.

All along, it's not present day me that is afraid, it's 9yo me that has been afraid, now that he is gone, another memory has surfaced which is causing fear. 

The power of my 9yo self memory was such that this one was buried beneath it. Now i have to bring it to the surface & resolve it.

I hope beyond hope that this is the last one to find, but i will continue to find and resolve these issues, one at a time, until i am anxiety free. 

I have nothing but praise for my hypnotherapist Sally Stubbs, i've made huge steps already, and feel this will be the solution.

Www.sally-stubbs.com

Panic Stations

Evening all,

Once again, apologies for my inability to blog more frequently! I've had a good few weeks though, running wise and in my head!
On the running front i've started doing some 400m interval sessions to try and improve my speed ahead of competing for a place on the Great Britain Transplant Games Team in August. Which will hopefully see me on a plane to Argentina in 2015 to compete at the World Transplant Games. As I'm not hugely competitive apart from against myself, this will be a big test for me! The chance to rock up in a GB kit is pretty inspiring though, so i will run my socks off to get selected!
This month i have also made a return to proper fell running, April & May were basically just building back up from a poor March due to illness. I knocked 1'59 off my Skiddaw ascent time this week, despite being fairly ill on the way up! I'm fairly confident my goal ascent time will fall this summer too, as i felt strong this week despite the setbacks. I'm also on course to hit the 100 mile month again, and will be just short of 500 miles this year by the end of the month, but i'm fairly confident i can easily make up the deficit to finish 2014 on over 1000 miles which was my goal this year.

Personally i have taken a 'leap of faith' with the treatment of my panic attacks. After almost 2 years of seeing the transplant unit psychologist i was becoming dismayed with the lack of progress. It seemed to me that all it was doing was allowing me to recover from the panic, but not actually stopping the panics from working. I began to look into hypnotherapy & psychotherapy as another avenue to pursue.
I found a highly recommended hypnotherapist who had been in practice since the mid eighties, and she lived locally too, which would help as my panics usually appear when away from home.
I wrote her an email explaining when i panic, where it usually happens and the almost debilitating effect it was having on my life. She responded very quickly and we set up a phone chat to discuss the issue more in depth and to talk about treatment etc.

In the first 60 minute phone call she had done what the psychologist had never done, and that was find the root of the panics. Turns out my initial panic had been as a 9 year old, in hospital, on bonfire night where i could quite vividly remember hanging onto the bed for dear life whilst nurses tried to calm me down, to no avail. I will never know what triggered the event, but it left me with a T-1 memory.
Basically something happened which got me upset and very worried, and the brain in an effort to protect itself calls time at a particular point, where it decides that the very next moment will be too much to handle, so it launches in fight or flight, AKA panic! My panics now are triggered now by my brain reaching this same point and my reflex reaction is to panic, as that is what my brain has programmed itself to do.
Treatment therefore would work on resolving this 'moment' and then the brain won't revert to the default setting of panic.
The first advice she gave me was to watch a video from her youtube account, which somehow accesses your subconscious and begins to work of your conflict. The first time i watched it i was very much focused on the little boy in the hospital bed, but oddly i wasn't seeing it from the boys point of view, i was watching myself from above. During the video, listening to the monologue i had a vision of falling onto a comfy bed, as i was about to make contact a huge black shape came rushing into my consciousness and actually caused a panic, despite the fact i was happily laying on the bed in no danger whatsoever. The oddest part was that despite the panic attack, i didn't worry, i just let it wash over me.
I listened and continue to listen to the video each evening, after a few days however, my perspective of watching the boy in hospital changed to seeing the same scenario from the point of view of the boy, myself at 9 years old.

Before we spoke on the phone for a 2nd time i went for a meal with my girlfriend, normally a tense affair with my near constant anxiety of having a panic overshadowing the meal. This time however i was able to sit and eat the meal comfortably, and left the restaurant with a feeling of elation, if the video could help this much, maybe the hypnotherapy itself would be massively beneficial??

What goes up, must come down however, and the following week i decided i would have breakfast at a little cafe in the sunshine, and spent the whole time fighting the urge to leave as the prospect of panic crept up on me once more.

The first session.
I won't lie, i was cacking my myself walking into the session. Though i'd researched hypnotherapy i had no idea what would happen, would i be put to sleep? would she induce a panic? would i be able to sit there without panic long enough to achieve anything??
First off, you don't go to sleep! apparently that method of hypnotherapy merely hides the problem even deeper, instead of solving it. And inducing a panic is not part of the process either!
She did some simple association activities, i had to write, or draw what i thought immediately after she gave me a scenario.
The first being, what i saw or felt about my birth. The second, what i saw or felt about my perfect future. Finally, what i saw or felt about the panic attacks. Then i had to choose where in the room each of these images/words belonged in the room. The birth felt comfortable in the window, the future was down by the river in her garden and the panic was hidden behind her desk, where i couldn't see it. Already quite a powerful visual tool as to how i felt about the panic.
She then asked questions about the birth, what i knew instinctively about my own birth. Then about the future, why i had chosen to place it near the river and not in the room - i could see it, but it was still a little ways away. Finally she asked how i felt about the panic. Immediately i said i wanted to destroy it, and boom! in that instant i just burst into tears, from absolutely no where, and my whole body, especially my legs and feet felt immensely heavy, to point where i didn't feel i could i move my feet even if i wanted to. The surge of emotion was incredible, and took me 5-10 minutes to start to come round from it. It felt like my body had been encased in brickwork and i had finally broken it, until it was just debris around my feet.
I can't properly explain the feelings, but the power of them was incredible, and i couldn't believe that they had come from absolutely no where, like a train just smashing into you! i was physically tired from it.
She then asked about the placements of the scenarios again. The birth stayed in place. The future came into the room, and within touching distance. The panic came out from behind the desk, and started to make its way out of the room.
At this point i had to stop, i had nothing left, i was mentally, emotionally and physically drained, but she was happy with the progress for the first session!
The past week since the first session i have started to notice differences. I still have the thoughts of 'right i'm going to be anxious' but i have none of the physical reactions, and my brain doesn't go into panic mode, even though i am still expecting it! In my book that is a whopping step forward and even though i still fear i will be anxious, i'm slowly learning that i don't need to be afraid of that, and trying to build my confidence back up.

I have a second session in 2 days time, which she says will probably be enough to resolve the issue completely. 

Onwards to the 2nd session, then hopefully a fun filled and happy future, no longer constrained by the fears of panic.

Mt1010v2

Quicky blog about the shoes i've been mostly wearing the last couple of months!

A long time advocate of the New Balance Minimus range i was excited to receive the MT1010v2 shoes. With a 4mm heel-toe drop and a grippy Vibram outsole, they sounded perfect for technical rocky paths and longer distance trails.

My first run out in them was along the shore paths & trails alongside Derwentwater in Keswick. 

First impressions were very impressive, super lightweight, nice fit around the midfoot and heel and plenty of room in the toe box. 

The cushioning, despite being minimalist, is enough to cope with longer runs, 16 miles is the furthest i've ran in them so far, and the rockplate is, as ever, great on the more rugged trails.

A definite must have in the minimalist trail, fell & mountain runners arsenal this summer, and a great transition shoe for those looking to add minimalist footwear & running to their training. 

#noStigma

As i've mentioned before, all my blogs tend to come at periods of my life where i am struggling. This one is no different.

The past 6 months have been pretty much great! My running is seeing improvements almost weekly, my confidence in myself is growing, i have a truly amazing girlfriend who has also started running and my health, bar a hiccup in March has been great.

My anxiety has been very much under control, and my transplant unit psychologist has been astounded at my progress, and my ability to force myself into uncomfortable situations in order to fight my anxiety. 

Azja's birthday coincided with a check up at the transplant cljnic, so we decided to head to the appointment, then we would head to Whitley Bay for lunch and a walk along the sea front, and then laptop shopping.

The morning started as always at 4:45am as i have to be at clinic for 7am. The drive through was uneventful, bar a spectacular sunrise as we headed east. As we arrived at hospital, as always, i needed the bathroom, a common reaction to any anxiety for millions of people. I signed in to clinic and we took our seats in the waiting area. 

At this point i felt fine, talking with Azja and watching the hospital come to life. 

Out of absolutely nowhere i started with the hot flush that accompanies a sudden burst of adrenaline - panic. I told Azja straight away as this isn't massively out of the norm, and i can usually shut it down almost as fast as it starts. This time however i couldn't stop it. 

It's probably important at this point to mention that i was in a panic about absolutely nothing. Nothing! The only real thought accompanying it was to go outside. Which i tried repeatedly to no avail. A brief respite came, at the expense of another patient who almost collapsed from BP issues, who i rushed to catch & hold until a wheelchair came. 

I mentioned to the clinic nurse that i was panicky for some reason and she took me straight in to the obs room, and took BP and pulse. BP was lower than normal for hospital visit, and pulse was barely clearing 60bpm, clear unrefutable evidence that absolutely fuck all is going inside my body, and it is all in the mind. After regular blood tests were taken we headed outside to the car so i could take a couple of kalms tablets. Whether these are pyscological or actually effective is anyones guess, but they have helped previously. We headed to the canteen to grab some food to take outside, thinking the early start and no breakfast might be behind the panic. Two small mouthfuls into a sausage sandwhich i started retching. I know why though, in panic/anxiety, your body is prepared for fight or flight, digestion shuts down to send more blood to the legs etc to prepare for war. 

At this point however i started to feel like a horrible person for bringing Azja into this world of pain & suffering, that it is selfish of me, and that she deserves better from life than to be stuck with this medical reprobate who is panicking about nothing, but can't stop! 

I know of course that this is utter bullshit, that if roles were reversed i would be stood next to her supporting her with my love & patience and she was with me, with no thoughts of wanting anyone else or wanting someone 'better'

We headed back inside for the ECG but literally seconds after sitting in the waiting room i had to escape, making it about 30mtrs before a physio caught hold of a very distraught and upset me and guided me into a curtained off cubicle in the physio dept.

I was scared now, not for several years had anything this bad happened. I couldn't seem to get a grip on anything, except that something other than panic was at play. The physio called across to the transplant clinic and the Sister of the clinic, Mary, came across to get me. I was feeling pretty lightheaded and not too steady on my feet so she wheeled me back in a wheelchair! 

Back at clinic they ran extra tests, and studied the xrays & ECG to no avail, it was just panic.

I was feeling calmer by the end of the appointment, pissed off that i had ruined Azjas birthday though, with plans to head straight home. 

Driving away from the hospital however i decided i wouldn't give in. I wouldn't run home and hide away, i would continue to fight this bastard affliction, and i would fucking win!

We headed to the Metro Centre (huge mall in the UK) to buy Azja a new computer for her birthday, under the agreement that if i felt panicky we hightailed it out of there!

We had a good 2 hour walk around the Metro, spent some money and bought some lunch. Though we ate lunch in the car, not wanting to push too many buttons! 

The rest of the day was fine and without any issues. 

This morning however i instigated the anxiety myself by dwelling on yesterdays events, and not the good parts. Filling my head with fears that the panics were back and life would once again be filled with fear.

Azja has been amazing, and i'm trying not to think stupid thoughts about her wanting someone better or resenting the way i am. 

A fear of nothing. So why are we afraid?